Ocarina of Time Rewrites
by PDFarsight
Summary: Added four new chapters leading Link into the adult years. New format as well. See the zany adventures of link!
1. That Deku Tree is such a turd

The Legend of Zelda: OCARINA OF TIME Rewrite: Chapter 1  
  
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far-...wait, this isn't a different galaxy! It's still on Earth, right? Right. *ahem* A long time ago...um... far, far away, was a land called Hyrule. A land of prosperity and wealth, all of Hyrule lived in peace for hundreds of years under the reign of Hyrule's Royal Family. However, a war between Evil and Good had sprung up, sending Hyrule into a period of famine and pestilence. However, legend tells of a Hero that will save Hyrule; one who will stand up and conquer evil, defeating it with the power of the Ancient Sages.   
  
Camera pans over Hyrule Feild, towards Kokiri Forest.  
  
And on a COMPLETELY unrelated note, there's some Kokiri kid without a fairy. Let's go laugh at him.   
  
In Kokiri forest...  
  
Old Deku Tree: Navi... Navi!  
  
Navi: (flies towards the tree) Yes, sire?  
  
Old Deku Tree: Art thou courageous?  
  
Navi: (confidently) Yes!  
  
Old Deku Tree: Have thou the courage to preform this villiany I am about to ask of thee?  
  
Navi: Yes! Yes sir, I do!  
  
Old Deku Tree: Wilst thou succeed at this daunting, perilous task?  
  
Navi: (getting really excited) Yes! Yes, please tell me what I have to do!  
  
Old Deku Tree: Obtain ye olde asthma inhaler. *wheeze pant*  
  
Navi: ...  
  
Old Deku Tree: These little *pant pant* things always flying around aggravate my condition.*gasp*  
  
Navi: Yeah, I've always wondered about those. What are those things, anyway?  
  
Old Deku Tree: (suddenly grave and totally serious) That is not for you to know.  
  
Navi: ...  
  
Old Deku Tree: However, Navi, I have another favor to ask of thee...  
  
Navi: (sarcastically) Oh, what now? You want me to get a cough drop?  
  
Old Deku Tree: No, Navi, this task is much more serious.  
  
Navi: (becoming interested) Oh. Really?? What is it?  
  
Old Deku Tree: The fate of the world rests on this matter.  
  
Navi: (all wide-eyed and excited) Wow! What is it!  
  
Old Deku Tree: We're out of milk. Go get some more.  
  
Navi: (falls down)  
  
Several hours later, after getting milk, crackers, some fuzzy dice, a pack of gel pens, some nail polish, a 1 GHz processor, a copy of "To Kill a Mockingbird", and another asthma inhaler...  
  
Old Deku Tree: Navi, I-  
  
Navi: (interrupting) That's IT, you old worm-eaten piece of driftwood! I'm not-  
  
Old Deku Tree: I'm sorry, Navi, it was vital that you undergo such treatment.  
  
Navi: (sarcastic) OHHHhhh, I'm SURE it was! Just as vital as getting the milk, eh?  
  
Old Deku Tree: The fairy I need for this upcoming task must be patient! Resourceful! And most of all, knowlegable! ...By obtaining these items, you have proved to be the right fairy for this task.  
  
Navi: Really? What do I need to do?  
  
Old Deku Tree: Go find the one named Link, and bring him to me. I assign you to this boy until further notice.   
  
Navi: Oh, THANK YOU, Deku Tree, sir! I will find him right now! (flies off)  
  
  
Well, I guess we didn't have time to laugh at the kid without a fairy. We won't even get to, either, because this stupid tree guy decided to give him one, finally. Oh well. Maybe this will conjure up many new, interesting adventures. Maybe. Well, we'll see, on the next exciting episode of The Legend of Zelda: OCARINA OF TIME Rewrite!   
  
  
  
  



	2. Link gets a fairy!

The Legend of Zelda: OCARINA OF TIME Rewrite, Chapter 2  
  
On the last episode of The Legend of Zelda: OCARINA OF TIME Rewrite, almost nothing happened. I mean seriously, there was practically nothing happening. I don't know why I even wrote it. It was so boring and unfunny. But anyway, I go on for you, the reader. Well, basically all that happened was the Deku Tree made Navi do some stupid stuff before assigning her to get Link, the kid without a fairy that now has a fairy. Let's see how they do.  
  
  
In Link's house...  
  
Navi: (flies in) Hey Link, wake up! You've-  
  
Link: (talking in his sleep) No... oh no! An ugly man on an ugly black horse riding through flames! This must mean Hyrule is about to fall into a seven-year period of war and famine under his terrible iron fist of evil!  
  
Navi: ...  
  
Link: (gets up, but still asleep) I've got to stop him!  
  
Navi: I know I'm not supposed to wake up sleepwalkers, but--  
  
Link: With my trusty sword... (grabs Navi)  
  
Navi: Augh!  
  
Link: ...and my Hylian Sheild... (grabs a book on the table)  
  
Navi: (trying to push herself out of his grip) Why do I get the crazy, weird kid!?  
  
Link: ...I will be unstoppable! (walk outside)  
  
Outside, in Kokiri Village...  
  
Mido: (to a group of Kokiri) ...and THEN, that stupid no-fairy kid walked into the Z-targeting contest, joined, failed miserably, and when he lost, get this.... when he lost... he said, "Hey! That's no fairy!" GET IT???!! FAIRy? (bursts into laughter) Oh, what a stupid kid! (starts laughing again)  
  
Everyone else: ...  
  
Mido: Um... hey, Mr. No Fairy came outside! Let's all laugh at him and forget the weird thing I just said.  
  
Everyone else: Okay! (turn to look at Link)  
  
Link: (defiantly) AND NOW I WILL SAVE HYRULE AND BECOME THE LEGENDARY HERO OF TIME!!!  
  
All: ....(burst into laughter)  
  
Random Kokiri Kid #1: Him! The Hero of Time! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
  
Random Kokiri Kid #2: (in tears from such hard laughter) I know! He's so stupid!  
  
Random Kokiri Kid #3: He doesn't even have a fairy! He definitely can't defeat anyone without being able to look at one thing and circle it, or talk to people ten feet away or more, or identify certain secrets. You know, all those easy, normal things other races can do without a fairy. ...Hahahahaha! He's so dumb!  
  
Mido: And the KICKER is, he's gonna do it all with a book and a...a... (his eyes squint to get a better view, then widen) FAIRY!?  
  
Link: (wakes up) Huh? What?  
  
Mido: What's that kid doing with a fairy!? He must have stole it from another Kokiri in the night! Who's missing a fairy?  
  
Everyone: Not me.   
  
Mido: Grr... well, are we all here?  
  
Random Kokiri Kid #1: All of us but Saria, but she's always running- (get pushed into the dirt by someone running by)  
  
Saria: (running by) Link! Link! Oh, hey wow, you have a fairy! This is so cool! But... you know it works better if you let it go.  
  
Link: A fairy? What are you talking about?  
  
Saria: Um... in your right hand you're holding a copy of "Kokiri for Dummies", and in the other you're holding a fairy.  
  
Link: AAAUUGGGGH! A BUG! KILL IT! (uses the book to smash Navi into a wall)  
  
Navi: I hate this kid already. I really do.  
  
Saria (shakes head) Nonono, Link, that's a fairy. You have a fairy now! You're a full-fledged Kokiri!   
  
Link: Really? I am?! Great! Hahaha, IN YOUR FACE Mido!  
  
Mido: (taps foot angrily and walks into his house)  
  
Saria: Forget about him, he shouldn't give you any mroe trouble. (to fairy) So, you lucky little fairy, what' your name?  
  
Navi: (bandaging herself) Well, "lucky" isn't exactly the word I'd use to describe me right now, but I'm Navi and I've been assigned to Link, and he's been summoned by the great Deku Tree!   
  
Saria: WOW! Link, you get to go talk to the Deku Tree! This is so great! But... first you need to learn how to use a fairy.  
  
After hours at the Kokiri Training grounds...  
  
Link: Hahaha! I now know how to use a fairy!  
  
Navi: (sarcastic) Great. Perfect. Forget the fact that we were supposed to be talking to the Great Deku Tree hours ago. Yeah, forget about all that, it's not important.  
  
Link: Oh yeah, that. The tree guy.  
  
Navi: Let's just go, okay?  
  
Mido: (stops them with his incredibly Mido Forcefeild of Death) Waitaminute there, Mr. No-Fairy-That-Now-Has-A-Fairy! That 15-foot path to the Deku Tree is dangerous. You need at least a sheild and a sword.   
  
Navi: (buries her face in her hands) Oh no! More delays! The Deku Tree is probably boiling with anger right now!  
  
Back at the Deku Tree...  
  
Old Deku Tree: (lazily watching TV) I wonder why Navi and Link aren't here yet.... feh. Oh well. (goes back to watching TV)  
  
Man on TV: He stole my manhood!  
  
Woman on TV: That would be petty theft.  
  
Audience: Hahahahahahahaha!  
  
Old Deku Tree: Hahahahaha.   
  
Back at the entrance, Link now has a sword and a sheild.  
  
Link: Okay, I got this puny sword and this wooden sheild thing. Can I go now?  
  
Mido: WHHAAAAAAAATTT?!? How did a little wimp like you find... well, no matter. You can't pass yet anyway. You have to pass the SEVEN TRIALS.  
  
Link: Seven Trials?  
  
Mido: Yes, the Seven Trials! The first trial is defeating 100 Wolfos at once with a toothpick. (smiles, but notices Saria behind Link)  
  
Saria: (staring at him angrily)  
  
Mido: Um... heh heh... actually, you can skip the trials and go. If you want. ....(runs away)  
  
Link: Great! (walks into the entrance)  
  
  
What does the Deku Tree want with Link? I don't mean to give away and spoilers, but you wouldn't have gotten any of these jokes if you hadn't anyway, so don't worry about it, and just stop reading. Well anyway... what does the Deku Tree want with Link? Find out (for the .00001% of you who don't know already), on the next EXCITING episode of The Legend of Zelda: OCARINA OF TIME Rewrite!   
  
P.S. This is going to be a running story, going through the entire game, so those previous chapters... Think of them as sneak peaks. ;-)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. The Great Deku Tree remembers his troubl...

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite - Chapter 3  
"Deku Tree remembers his troubled past..."  
  
On our last exciting episode of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link awoke and mistook Navi for a sword and a book for a shield. Oh, that Link. He's so kooky! Well, anyway, after learning how to use a fairy (and laughing in the face of other Kokiri who made fun of him), he went to see the Deku Tree, but Mido cautioned him that THREE Deku-Babas were on that 15-path to the Deku Tree, so Link would need a sword to kill him. He probably forgot to mention that they don't even attack you and you would only get hurt if you ran straight into them on purpose, but that's okay. Who knows, he may need his sword and shield for something. Eventually.   
  
Link: (walks into the area with the Deku Tree) Okay, so where is this Deku Tree guy, anyway?  
  
Deku Tree: Look here, young one, I am here.  
  
Link: (looking around warily) Who said that!?  
  
Deku Tree: It is I, the great Deku Tree, right in front of thou.  
  
Link: (smiling slyly) Ahh, I got it figured out! ...Come out from behind that tree, Mr. Deku Tree! I know you're hiding somewhere behind that ugly old thing!  
  
Deku Tree: (a single tear rolls down his face, as he remembers bygone days of sadness)...  
  
Deku Tree: (only a tiny Deku Tree, in school with other, bigger deku trees. You know   
he gets picked on because he's smaller and he wears thick glasses that are bandaged in the middle with tape, and he gets good grades. And he's ugly and nerdy-looking.)  
  
Random Deku Tree #1: (pushes the Deku Tree down and laughs)  
  
Deku Tree: Hey! Leave me alone you big bully!   
  
Random Deku Tree #1: Don't you talk to us that way, little runt! What should we do to   
him for disrespecting us, dude!?  
  
Random Deku Tree #2: Let's make him run! You know, he has that asthma thing!  
  
Deku Tree: No! Please, not that!  
  
Random Deku Tree #1: (smiling evilly) Ha ha ha, yeah! Let's make him run until he has to stop to take that asthma thing, and then we can beat him up!   
  
Deku Tree: No! Please don't! (begins to run away)  
  
All: (run after him)  
  
Deku Tree: (after about three minutes of running, he is wheezing and coughing, and he must stop. He takes puffs of his inhaler, and he begins to run again, but he sees the shadow of the others looming behind him. He turns to them slowly, and then gets punched in the face. The others close in on him, and beat him senseless, laughing all the way. As he is getting beaten, he thinks to himself) I'll show them... someday I'll be the guardian of an entire race... they'll see...  
  
Link: (snapping him out of his reverie) Hello!? Deku guy! You haven't said anything for about three minutes, are you okay?  
  
Deku Tree: What? Oh. Link, I am the Great Deku Tree: the guardian of the Kokiris. (sniff)  
  
Link: ...What?   
  
Deku Tree: It is I who protect this forest from evil.   
  
Link: But where are you? Show yourself! All I see is a big tree.  
  
Navi: (sighing and shaking her head) Link... Deku Tree... the tree IS him.   
  
Link: ...Oh. I guess I never put that together. So that big thing is the Deku Tree?  
  
Deku Tree: Yes, Link, and we must talk. Surely thou hast been having troubling dreams.  
  
Link: (suddenly embarassed) What? What are you talking about?  
  
Deku Tree: I know that thou have unusal dreams that others do not have.  
  
Link: (blushing) How do you know about that?!  
  
Deku Tree: Tell us your dreams, Link. They affect the fate of the world.  
  
Link: (struggles with himself for several seconds about revealing his dreams. He seems uncomfortable.)  
  
Deku Tree: Come now, Link. Tell us. It's nothing to be ashamed of.  
  
Link: ....Well... okay.... sometimes I have dreams where I wear a frilly pink dress with polka dots and a little bonnet and I dance for Mido and the other Kokiri. I like those dreams because I feel pretty.  
  
Navi and Deku Tree: ...  
  
Link: But how does that have anything to do with the fate of the world?  
  
Navi: I can't believe this kid is the Hero of Time. Seriously, we are so doomed.  
  
Deku Tree: No Link, I speak of the dreams with the world being in turmoil. Those terrible dreams showing Hyrule utterly destroyed. The dreams particularly showing one man on a black horse.  
  
Link: (face turns red) Oh, those. Right. I knew that. I was only kidding about those other dreams. ...Really.  
  
Deku Tree: Yea. That man from your dreams has poisoned me, Link. He has set a curse upon me, which somehow fills me with monsters of unthinkable ugliness.   
  
Link: Uglier than you?  
  
Deku Tree: (eyes watering up)... Yea. Uglier than me. Now hurry up and get inside me and kill these things before I... I... (bursts into tears and opens up his mouth to allow Link inside)  
  
Link: Aww, sorry big guy. I'll go inside you and kill the things for you. (walks in)  
  
  
What unspeakably ugly horrors await Link inside the Deku Tree? Is the world really doomed? And what of the Deku Tree's troubled past? Will he eventually see a psychiatrist and learn that it's okay, and it wasn't his fault, and he should forgive the bully Deku Trees? Find out this (well... not all of this) on the next exciting episode of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Link learns how to open a door

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite - Chapter 4  
"Link learns how to open a door"  
  
When we last saw our hero, he was walking inside the Deku Tree. What unspeakable horrors await him inside!? Maybe there are UGLY FISH PEOPLE, or MONSTERS THAT EAT ROCKS, or A GUY WITH EYEBROWS GROWING INTO HIS HAIR! Actually, that last one wouldn't be very scary. We'll see what lies inside the Great Deku Tree on this episode of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite!  
  
Link: (walks into the Deku Tree) Wow... this is some curse! It hollowed the Deku Tree out and made walkways and locking doors and torches and stuff!  
  
Navi: I think he was already like this.  
  
Link: Oh, what? He hollowed himself out, thinking "I think I'll hollow myself out and make walkways and doors and really high cliffs inside me, in case someone ever puts a curse one me, so that a young boy can come and break the curse. Yeah, that's what I'll do"?  
  
Navi: (sighs, and speaks sarcastically) Exactly, Link. That's exactly what he thought.   
  
Link: Wow. He sure was cautious.  
  
Link and Navi go through the trials of the level together, until finally, they come to a door  
  
Navi: HEY!  
  
Link: OW! You screamed in my EAR, you little bug! What do you want?!  
  
Navi: This is a DOOR! Open is by standing in front of it and pressing A. Some doors are locked or barred, so pay attention to what the Action Icon says!  
  
Link: ........You screamed in my ear to tell me how to open a door.  
  
Navi: Well, some people don't know how.  
  
Link: Who did you work with before, Mido? I'm the HERO OF TIME! I can do easy stuff like this. (walks forward, reaches for an inexistent doorknob and slams into the door)  
  
Navi: (crosses her arms and smirks)  
  
Link: (rubbing his head) Shut up. Just don't say anything at all.  
  
Navi: Heh heh heh.  
  
They continue their journey, until they come to a Deku Scrub sitting in a flower-like-thing on the ground  
  
Link: Oh, hey Deku Scrub guy! Don't mind us, we're just passing through.  
  
Deku Scrub: (shoots a deku seed at Link, knocking him down)  
  
Link: Augh! (gets up) Little punk! No one messes with the HERO OF TIME! Die! (unsheaths his sword)  
  
Deku Scrub: WAIT!!!   
  
Link: (freezes in place) What?  
  
Deku Scrub: I'm sorry, sir! I'll never do it again! If you let me go, I'll tell you a secret on how to beat my brothers up ahead!   
  
Link: Hm... lemmethinkNO! (slices the Deku Scrub into tiny pieces of grass and bark)  
  
Navi: That wasn't very smart, Link. I would have listened to him; his information might have been of some use to us.  
  
Link: What? And let him go? HA! The HERO OF TIME shows no mercy!  
  
Navi: Whatever. Let's go.  
  
Finally, Link and Navi get to one room with water and three Deku Scrubs.  
  
Link: (looking at the map) Okay... according to the map, we're at the front of the Deku Tree, so we should go.... THAT way! (points to a blank wall with nothing on it)  
  
Navi: Um, Link, you-  
  
Link: Nonono! I'm sure this is a fake wall or something. I'll knock it down. (smashes into it, then falls down on the ground) Ouch.  
  
Navi: Link, you were holding the map upside down. We go THAT way, into the area with those three Deku Scrubs. The boss is right behind that door.  
  
Link: (gets up) Oh. I knew that. (walks over to the deku scrubs)  
  
Deku Scrubs: (all shoot at him at once)  
  
Link: AUUGGHHH! (sheilds himself, and the deku seeds bounce right off the sheild back to the deku scrubs, suprisingly losing no momentum or speed. The middle scrub is hit and turns purple.)  
  
3rd Deku Scrub: (shoots at him)   
  
Link: (uses the sheild to bounce the deku seed back at him as well)  
  
1st Deku Scrub: (just sits there)  
  
Link: Well? Come on! Shoot at me!  
  
1st Deku Scrub: No. You'll hurt me.  
  
Link: I promise I won't. I'll just bounce it back over to right of you.  
  
1st Deku Scrub: I don't believe you.  
  
Link: Okay then, we'll do this the hard way. DIE! (rushes towards him with sword drawn)  
  
1st Deku Scrub: AUUGGHH! Okay, okay! But if you let me go, I'll tell-  
  
Link: Silence, treeboy! You die now!   
  
Navi: HEY!  
  
Link: OW! What now?!  
  
Navi: Maybe you should listen to this guy and let him go.  
  
Link: Oh, right. Well, okay. (gets off him)  
  
1st Deku Scrub: Thank you, sir, here is the information: "You will never defeat Queen Gohma unless you hit her while she's stunned."  
  
Link: Okay. You may go now.  
  
1st Deku Scrub: Oh, THANK YOU SIR! (runs off)  
  
Link: (hits him with a deku seed from behind)  
  
1st Deku Scrub: AAAAIIIIIIIEEE!!! [EXPLODE]  
  
Link: Hahaha, that loser. He thought I was really going to let him get away.  
  
Navi: Link, that was mean.  
  
Link: I'm the HERO OF TIME! I can do whatever I want. (walks through the door)  
  
Navi: You're going way too far with this "hero of time" thing.  
  
They walk into a totally empty room, aside from a few bushes and a pillar or two. Two things were strange about the room, however: There was an eerie fog collecting on the floor, and a strange, repetitive sound was coming from somewhere.  
  
Link: What the heck is that?  
  
Navi: ... I don't know...  
  
Link: Hahaha, maybe one of the- (stops, and face turns white)  
  
Navi: ....one of the what? Link? (looks up, and screams)  
  
Queen Gohma: (looks at them, rolls its one eye all around it's socket, then drops down in front of them. It stands on one leg, and the other three legs loom over Link, and it roars several times and looks at him sternly)  
  
Link: ..............AAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH! (runs away)  
  
  
Not so tough now, are ya Link? Oh well. Link is, once again, in trouble. What will he do now, find out next time, etc. etc., you know the drill.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Queen Gohma gets schooled

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite - Chapter 5  
"Queen Gohma gets schooled"  
  
  
On the last exciting episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link went inside the Deku Tree to rid him of his curse set on him by some unknown character. After learning the basics (opening doors, looking down things, falling, etc.), Link finally came upon the boss, Queen Gohma. However, Hero of Time or no Hero of Time, Link is still just a ten-year-old little boy, and Queen Gohma is scary at any age, so Link decided to scream and run away. Some Hero of Time.  
  
  
Link: AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH! (runs away)  
  
Queen Gohma: ROOOAAAARRR!  
  
Link: (huddled against a wall) Good God, it's ugly! Oh, I can't bear to look at it! (shuts eyes tight)  
  
Queen Gohma: (slowly advancing towards Link)  
  
Link: (still has eyes closed tight, begins to throw things at Queen Gohma) Get away! (throws his sheild, a copy of "Kokiri Life" magazine, his lunch, and Navi all in the direction of the roars from Queen Gohma)  
  
Navi: Hey! Don't throw me!  
  
Link: (throws a deku nut at Queen Gohma, which lands at her feet and explodes, emitting a blinding flash)  
  
Queen Gohma: (falls on the ground and begins spasming and palpitating)  
  
Link: (takes a peek to see what happened) Hey! She's stunned! Apparently those Deku Nuts emit a flash for a split-second and temporarily stun whatever is in front of it!  
  
Navi: DUH! That's what I told you as soon as you picked one up!   
  
Link: You did? Oh. I wasn't really listening.  
  
Navi: You idiot!  
  
Link: (begins slashing and slicing and dicing Queen Gohma's eye)  
  
Queen Gohma: (gets up, backs away from Link and climbs onto the ceiling)  
  
Link: Ha! It's retreating! I won! Nah nah, in your face, ugly bug thing!  
  
Three balls drop from Queen Gohma.  
  
Link: Um...  
  
The three balls burst open, and from them come little mini-versions of Queen Gohma.  
  
Navi: AWWWWW! They're so CUTE!!  
  
Link: (fighting them off) Cute!? They're incredibly ugly!  
  
Navi: (cuddles up to one) Can we keep this one? I like this one, let's keep him!  
  
Link: (stabbing the others) NO!   
  
Queen Gohma: (drops back down)  
  
Link: You fool! You've made the Hero of Time angry! Now you die! (throws a Deku Nut down on the ground)  
  
Queen Gohma: (falls on the ground and spasms again)  
  
Link: DIE, EVIL SPACE MONSTER!! (begins cutting and slicing Queen Gohma's eye as quickly as possible)  
  
Navi: "Space monster"?  
  
Queen Gohma: (suddenly rises up from the ground and shakes a little before its eye explodes and it falls to the ground and disentegrates into little tiny pieces)   
  
Link: Yahaha! I won!   
  
A circular blue portal appears on the ground, which Link walks into and floats upward.  
  
Back outside, in front of the Deku Tree...  
  
Link: Okay Deku Tree, we got rid of your curse. Now give is the money.  
  
Deku Tree: Money? I never promised any money.  
  
Link: (shrugs) It was worth a shot.  
  
Deku Tree: (sighs) Link, although I cannot give thee any money, I thank ye...   
  
Link: No problem... (under his breath) ... cheapskate.  
  
Deku Tree: I will tell you the Legend of the Triforce. Wilst thou listen?  
  
Deku Tree: Do I really have a choice? This is just one of those fake choices throughout the game in which only one answer will allow me to progress through the game, while the other choice just results in you asking the question over and over again until I give you the answer you want.  
  
Deku Tree: I will tell you the Legend of the Triforce. Wilst thou listen?  
  
Link: (sighs) ... Yes. (sits down, gets some pop corn and a remote)  
  
Navi: What's the remote for?   
  
Link: To change the channel, duh.  
  
Navi: ........................... Nevermind. Forget it. I give up.   
  
Deku Tree: When this land was still young, and turmoil and pestilence governed the land, three golden Goddesses descended upon this land. Din, Goddess of Power... Farore, Goddess of Wisdom... and Nayru, Goddess of Courage.   
  
Link: Cool.  
  
Deku Tree: Din... with her strong flaming arms, she cultivated the land and created the red earth. Farore... with her wisdom, she poured the spirit of law over the world. Nayru... she created all life forms that would uphold the law. And when these goddesses left this world, they left behind the Triforce, the sacred oracle of power on which we base our providence.  
  
Deku Tree: Link... Navi... the man who put the curse-... HEY! LISTEN!  
  
Link: (wakes up) Hm? Wha? Oh, sorry.   
  
Deku Tree: The man who put the curse on me is from the desert... you must never let this man get his hands on the Triforce. The fate of Hyrule, nay, the world depends on it.  
  
Link: Yeahsurewhatever. Can we go now?  
  
Deku Tree: Be patient, Link. I have more to say.  
  
Link: (exasperated sigh)  
  
Deku Tree: I will pass away soon...  
  
Link: Uhuh.  
  
Deku Tree: ...  
  
Navi: ...  
  
Link: ...  
  
Deku Tree: ...  
  
Link: ...What?  
  
Deku Tree: I, the one hast been the guardian spirit of the Kokiri for centuries, am about to die and leave the forest without protection from evil. Don't you even care?  
  
Navi: Not really.  
  
Link: I'm actually kind of glad.  
  
Deku Tree: (crying)... Fine. Just get out. Just take this Spiritual Stone and get out. (gives them the Spiritual Stone of the Forest)  
  
Link: Thanks!   
  
Deku Tree: Navi... I entreat ye... (dies)  
  
Navi: Huh? What?  
  
Link: Yeah! Free firewood for life!  
  
Navi: What?  
  
Link: Look at him! He's huge! We can use him for firewood forever!  
  
Navi: ...  
  
Link: Ooh ooh, even better: We can cut him up and sell him! Like, "get a piece of the Great Deku Tree, only 50 rupees!"  
  
Navi: Um... let's just go... (quietly) before you get any other crazy ideas...  
  
Link and Navi: (leaves)  
  
  
Well, although Link actually defeated Queen Gohma and the curse, he was unable to save the Great Deku Tree, so it died. Cry me a river. However, what do they do now? The Deku Tree died before he could tell them. Big jerk. Well, we'll find out on the next episode, won't we? Yes we will, son... yes we will. (walks off into the sunset)   
  
  
  



	6. Zelda kicks Link's butt!

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite - Chapter 6  
"Zelda kicks Link's butt"  
  
In the last exciting episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, The Great Deku Tree died. How tragic. However, this is the beginning of our Hero of Time's adventure... of Time. Foretold by the Legend of Time, the Hero of Time will use the Ocarina of Time to conquer the Great Evil King Ganondorf... of Time. Wait, I messed up, let's start over. Wait! Okay, I'll just stop talking... right now. No! Right NOW! ...NO!! Shoot!  
  
  
Link: (walks out into Kokiri Forest)  
  
Mido: (uses his incredible Mido Forcefield of Death once again) STOP!  
  
Link: (sigh) What do you want now, you puny little non-Hero of Time?  
  
Mido: Something happened to the Great Deku Tree! What did you do!?  
  
Link: Well... um... er...   
  
Mido: You KILLED HIM, didn't you!? You hate us so much that you want to make monsters come into the village and KILL US ALL! I'm going to tell everyone! (runs off)  
  
Link: Oh yeah?! Well I'm the Hero of Time, and you're just a little baby who no one likes! Nah, nah! (making faces at him)  
  
Navi: Let's just get out of here and head to Hyrule Castle Town, okay?  
  
On the intersection between Kokiri Forest and Hyrule Field...  
  
Link: Well, here I am. Leaving Kokiri Forest.  
  
Saria: (appears out of nowhere behind Link) Boo.  
  
Link: Waaah! (falls down)  
  
Saria: Ha, ha! Fooled you.  
  
Link: That trick gets really old, really fast. What do you want?  
  
Saria: (suddenly adopts a melancholy attitude) Oh... so you are going, then...?  
  
Link: Um... yeah. That was the general idea.  
  
Saria: I knew we were never meant to be together forever. You see, you are different from me and my friends...  
  
Link: Why are you acting so weird?  
  
Saria: (ignoring hm) Here, Link... take this Ocarina as a momento... please take care of it. Whenever-  
  
Navi: You got an Ocarina! Go to the Items subscreen and assign it to-  
  
Link: I KNOW ALREADY!!!  
  
Saria: But even though you won't always be here, Link, I know we'll be friends... forever.  
  
Audience: Awwww.  
  
Link: Well, I really must be embarking on my incredible adventure. See you. (runs out)  
  
Saria: ... Goodbye...  
  
  
Now in Hyrule Field...  
  
Link: This is great! Look how big it is! Now we can-  
  
Voice from above: Link!  
  
Link: What? Who said that? Is this God?  
  
VFA: ...Yes. It's God. I'm here to tell you that you aren't going to heaven.  
  
Link: Ugh! Why not!?  
  
VFA: Um... your feet stink. (snicker snicker)  
  
Link: My FEET STINK?! What kind of reason is that!?  
  
VFA: Silence! I'm GOD!   
  
Link: Yes sir.  
  
VFA: Now Link, I'm going to tell you what to do next. If you head straight from here, you will get to Hyrule Castle Town. Go to the castle and find some way to get past their heavy security system consisiting of several blind and deaf guards, okay?  
  
Link: Um... God, sir... I'd like a little more information; that's not-  
  
VFA: SILENCE FOOL!!!!  
  
Link: Y-y-yes sir! I'll go right now, sir! (runs away)  
  
Kaepora Gaebora: Hahaha, I should have thought of that years ago. (flies away)  
  
  
Hours later, in Hyrule Castle Town...  
  
Link: Wow! Look at all the shops and people!  
  
Navi: Yeah, this is what a normal, technologically-advanced town looks like. See, it has painted buildings and stuff. Hey look, a little girl swaying back and forth. Let's go talk to her.  
  
Link: (to the crazy swaying girl) Hi, I'm Link. What's your name?  
  
Little Swaying Girl: Hahaha! Look at your clothes! What a nerd! Hahaha!  
  
Link: Hey now, at least I'm not wearing a Bowser brooch.  
  
Little Swaying Girl: (her eyes fill with tears, and she runs away sobbing)  
  
Link: Weirdo. Let's go to the castle.  
  
At the castle gates...  
  
Link: Hi, Mr. Guard guy. Can I get through, please?   
  
Guard: ...  
  
Link: Hello? Guard dude?  
  
Guard: ...  
  
Navi: I bet he's one of those guards that aren't allowed to react to any external stimuli.   
  
Link: Hey, cool! So, like, I can walk right into the castle?  
  
Navi: Umm... it doesn't quite work like that.  
  
Link: Nah, if they aren't allowed to react to anything, what kind of guards could they be? (begins to climb over the gate)  
  
One minute later  
  
Link: (gets tossed on his butt outside the gate)  
  
Audience: (laughs)  
  
Guard: ...And stay out!  
  
Link: Oh yeah!? I'll show you! You just wait!  
  
Guard: (tosses Navi out as well)  
  
Navi: I told you you can't just walk right past them!   
  
Link: Fine, fine, but there's gotta be some way to get inside... (turns around, and sees a... familiar girl) Hey, it's you!  
  
Little Swaying Girl: Hey, it's the little forest nerd! Did you happen to see an ugly hairy guy asleep in the castle?  
  
Link: No, we didn't even get inside. The guards tossed us out. What's your name, anyway?  
  
Little Swaying Girl: I'm Malon. And you're Link, right?  
  
Link: Right. So, you want us to find some ugly hairy guy?  
  
Malon: Actually, he's my dad. We run the ranch right in the middle of Hyrule. He probably fell asleep in the castle.  
  
Link: How exactly should we wake him up?  
  
Malon: Well, here's an egg. It should hatch at sunrise and you can use it to wake him up.  
  
Link: And how do we get inside?  
  
Malon: You can use these vines here. (points to vines)  
  
Link: Hey, wait a minute... Why should I help you? You called me a nerd, plus I'm on a quest to stop an ugly guy from the desert from getting his hands on the Triforce.  
  
Malon: Well, let's say there's only one way to get into the castle undetected, and my dad is blocking the way because he's asleep.  
  
Link: Like Snorlax in Pokemon?  
  
Malon: ...Yes. Exactly like Snorlax.  
  
Link: Okay then, see ya. (begins to climb up the vines)  
  
Malon: Hee hee hee.  
  
Link: Hey! Stop looking up my tunic!  
  
Malon: Sorry. (giggles)  
  
Minutes later, Link and Navi have eluded the blind and deaf guards, and are inside the castle gates and swimming in the moat.  
  
Link: Gee, that was a breeze. I wonder why they always assign deaf guards who can only see past their hands. (pushes himself onto the land only ten feet away from the guards)  
  
Navi: Yeah, that is weird.   
  
Link: Hey look! It's that sleeping guy!   
  
Sleeping Guy: ZZZZZZZ... welcome to lon lon ranch... have some fun... ZZZZZZ...  
  
Link: HEY! WAKE UP!!!  
  
Sleeping Guy: Z Z Z Z Z Z z z z z z...  
  
Navi: Why don't you use the chicken that hatched from that egg?  
  
Link: Oh yeah, that. (takes it out)  
  
Chicken: Cockle Doodle Doo!  
  
Sleeping Guy: (wakes up) What in tarnation!?  
  
Link: Hi Malon's dad. Malon wants you to wake up and go home right now.  
  
Sleeping Guy: WHAAAAT?!? Malon sent you? Oh no... I can't go home anymore, I... I don't know what she'd do to me!  
  
Link: Umm... she seemed pretty harmless to me.  
  
Sleeping Guy: (runs away screaming)  
  
Navi: Am I the only sane person in all of Hyrule?  
  
Link: Yes. Now let's get going.  
  
Out of pure luck, the Sleeping Guy happened to leave two boxes sitting out which, if pushed into the stream across from a tiny whole, allows Link and Navi to enter the castle. After getting past some hilariously predictable guards, Link and Navi saw a little girl looking into the castle from a window.  
  
Link: Aww, just our luck, a dead end.   
  
Navi: Maybe you should go talk to that girl. She might know a way in.  
  
Link: (sarcastically) Yeah right, Navi, that little girl will just HAPPEN to-   
  
Zelda: YAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! (jumps into the sun to avoid detection, then lands on top of Link and starts pummeling him) Take that! And that! And that! No one gets by Zelda, Princess of Hyrule!  
  
Link: (kicks her off of him and jumps up, beathing hard) What the heck are you doing!?  
  
Zelda: Oh, so it's a fight you want, huh?   
  
Link: Bu-... y-... YOU'RE the one that jumped one ME!  
  
Zelda: (takes fighting stance)  
  
Link: (sighs) Oh, fine. (draws sword)   
  
Zelda: Hey! We're gonna fight fair!  
  
Link: Baby. (sheathes sword)  
  
For a moment, they stand totally still, giving eachother eye-piercing looks. Readying themselves to defend against attacks, they bend their knees slightly, and look into eachother's eyes. After several tense moments, they attack eachother in a split-second.  
  
Zelda: (throws a punch)  
  
Link: (catches punch, and kicks)  
  
Zelda: (dodges, and twists herself so that she can kick Link in the head from behind)  
  
Link: (jumps away and does a few flips in the air before landing)  
  
Navi: Why exactly are you two fighting?  
  
Zelda: (runs at Link)  
  
Link: (trips her)  
  
Zelda: (on the ground, brings her leg around and trips Link, while at the same time getting up. She sits on Link, and throws a punch)  
  
Link: (grabs her arm and kicks her over him)  
  
Zelda: (hits a wall, but kicks off it and brings her foot smashing into Link's face)  
  
Link: Augh! (falls on the ground, and puts his hand to his face. He takes it away, and realizes he has a bloody nose. His eyes fill with rage, and he gets up, keeping his head down. Suddenly, he looks up, sending Zelda a look that could cut glass)  
  
Zelda: (takes a cautious step backwards)  
  
Link: (in a split second, Link attacks. Running at the speed of a race horse, he kicks Zelda into a wall. He punches Zelda in the stomach over and over again, before finally puting his hand on the ground, twisting himself around, and kicking Zelda with both feet)  
  
Zelda: (falls to the ground, and doesn't move)  
  
Link: (snapping out of his angry trance) Heh heh... oops.  
  
Navi: (sarcastic) Well good job, Link, you killed her.  
  
Link: (walks over to Zelda, but looks at Navi) Well how was I supposed t-  
  
Zelda: (suddenly gets up) Think you've won, eh? I was just taking a breather! You are pretty good, I'll give you that, but you could never beat me!  
  
Link: Ha! Like I could LOSE! Me, Link, the Hero of Time, lose to a little girl. Heh.  
  
Zelda: Wait... did you say you were the Hero of Time?  
  
Link: Yeah, why?   
  
Zelda: Then... are you from the forest?  
  
Link: Uh-huh.  
  
Zelda: Then... tell me... do you have the Spiritual Stone of the Forest?  
  
Link: Yeah. (takes it out) Pretty thing, isn't it?  
  
Zelda: (smiles) Then I was right!  
  
  
This was getting a bit too long, and way too warped, so I need to end it here. Like Zelda and Link would ever have a fist fight. Well anyway, what was Zelda right about? Why are the guards all blind and deaf? What WILL Malon do to Talon, if he ever goes home again? I'm sure we know the answers to some, and we can speculate on others, but we can all find out on the next exciting episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite!  



	7. Link learns his first two songs

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite - Chapter 7  
"Link learns his first two songs"  
  
  
In the last episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Mido accused Link of murdering the Deku Tree and spread a nasty rumor about it. Link didn't care, though, because he was leaving anyway. On the way out, Saria gave Link an Ocarina as a momento of their friendship (which he quickly replaces with a better Ocarina as soon as he gets the chance). A lot of junk happens, and Link eventually meets Princess Zelda, but not in the way he would have wanted. After a short scuffle, they got to talking.  
  
  
In the castle courtyard, Zelda and Link are talking and bandaging their wounds.  
  
Zelda: So you're the Hero of Time, huh?  
  
Link: Yeah, apparently. I did save the Deku Tree from a terrible curse, after all.  
  
Zelda: Oh, I heard he was murdered.  
  
Link: Yeah... *cough*... too bad about that. Anyway, what exactly were you right about?  
  
Zelda: Oh... sometimes I have dreams about things that will happen in the future-- you know, prophecies -- and it usually isn't good. This particular dream, I've been having for a few weeks now, so I know it's important: dark clouds covered all of Hyrule, and everything good inside it. However, a beam of light shot from the forest and parted the clouds, and inside the light was a figure holding the Spiritual Stone of the Forest, followed by a fairy.   
  
Link: Hey! Hey, that's me!  
  
Navi: Ya think?!  
  
Zelda: I told my father, but he doesn't believe it's important. However, I think the time for Hyrule's demise is near, because I know that the dark clouds in my dream represent that man in there! (points to the chamber the window leads into) Will you look through the window at him?   
  
Link: Okay.   
  
Link looks through the window, and sees a man bend down in salute to someone he could not see. He was very tan, and had a very big nose. He had red hair, and was about six feet tall. His clothes were adorned with jewels of every kind, and he wore armor all over. His back was covered with a large red cape, and he was wearing big gloves. Strangely, his eyebrows grew into his hair.   
  
Zelda: He swears his allegiance to my father, but I know he is not sincere.  
  
Suddenly, the man snaps his head to the side and gives Link a cold stare.  
  
Link: AUUUGHH! AUUUGHH! IT'S THE UGLY GUY!!  
  
Zelda: Yeah, he is prety ugly, isn't he? I'm sure the real reason he is here is to get the Ocarina of Time, which is a relic passed down through the Royal Family for generations. It, along with the three Spiritual Stones, opens the door of Time in the Temple of Time to get to the Triforce of Time. Wait, no, just the Triforce. Anyway, Link, it is up to me to protect the Ocarina, and it is up to you to protect the Spiritual Stone. Don't let that ugly guy get it!  
  
Ganon: (pops his head through the window) Actually, my name is Ganondorf, but my friends call me Ganon. Please don't call me "ugly guy" anymore, it's very rude. (leaves)  
  
All: ...  
  
Link: Okay, I'll go now. Wait, no, actually, can I have your autograph? I want to shove it in Mido's face.  
  
Zelda: What? Oh, okay. Tell ya what, I'll also give you a letter stating that you are the Royal Family's messenger, so you won't have trouble with any more guards.  
  
Link: Sweet! Thanks! (takes the letter and turns and runs away, but bumps into a tall woman)  
AUUGGHHH!  
  
Tall Woman: ...  
  
Zelda: Oh, that's Impa. She's my attendant. Don't be scared, she's nice.  
  
Impa: Hello, young one. You are very brave to embark on this quest by yourself. Let me teach you a song I used to play for Zelda as a lullaby. (she teaches him Zelda's Lullaby)  
  
Link: (plays it correctly, which results in him remebering it forever)  
  
Navi: You learned Zelda's Lullaby! Th-  
  
Link: WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, STUPID!?  
  
Navi: Okay, okay! I'm just trying to be helpful.  
  
Impa: There is mysterious power in these notes. Play it wherever you see a Triforce symbol to make weird stuff happen. Now let me lead you out of the castle.  
  
In Hyrule Field, directly outside the castle  
  
Link: Woah, that was fast. How'd you do that?  
  
Impa: I'm a Shiekah. I can do anything.  
  
Link: ...  
  
Impa: Now you must go to Death Mountain, where the Gorons live. They hold the Spiritual Stone of Fire. Also go to Kakariko Village; it's where I grew up. Try the omelets there, they're to die for.  
  
Link: ...Okay.  
  
Impa: Well, I must mysteriously disappear now. Nice meeting you. (throws a bright flashy thing down on the ground and disappears)  
  
Link: Okay, I guess we're going to Death Mountain now.   
  
Navi: Wait!  
  
Link: What?  
  
Navi: What would Saria say if we told her we were going to save Hyrule from imminent doom?  
  
Link: Um... knowing Saria, she'd probably laugh at us then beat us up.  
  
Navi: Maybe we should go talk to her.   
  
Link: All the way at the end of the Lost Woods?! It'd take DAYS to get there! Nah, I got a better idea. (takes out his cell phone and dials a number) Saria? ...Hi, it's me, Link.... yeah, just met Princess Zelda.... Yeah, she was pretty hot.   
  
Navi: (hits Link on the head)  
  
Link: Ow!... No, Navi's hitting me... stupid fairy. Anyway, guess what! We're going to save Hyrule from evil! ......No really, we are! Princess Zelda made us.... yeah, we're going to Death Mountain now, to get the next spiritual stone.... what? Why would I want to learn a song you made up?   
  
Navi: Nonono, learn it! It could come in handy later on.  
  
Link: Okay, okay. Lemme hear it.... okay, let me play it on my ocarina so I can remember it forever. (plays it on Ocarina which begins to glow)  
  
Navi: (opens her mouth as if to speak)  
  
Link: (grabs Navi violently) Don't EVEN start.  
  
Navi: Hmph.  
  
Link: So any, Saria, thanks for the song... or something. We're gonna go now. See ya. (hangs up) Now wasn't that a lot easier than walking all the way through the Lost Woods? (runs to the entrance to Kakariko village)  
  
Navi: ...I didn't even know he had a cell phone. (follows him)  
  
  
Well, now our little hero is about to start his own adventure combating evil in all it's forms. First he's gonna have an omelet though, because Impa says they're really good. What crazy, zany situtation will Link get into next? Find out next time, on the next exciting episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite! ...Of time. Ha ha, I kill me.  
  



	8. Kakariko Village: crazier than LA and l...

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite - Chapter 8  
"Kakariko Village: Crazier than L.A. and littered with chickens"  
  
  
On the last EXCITING episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link and Zelda decided the two of them alone could protect Hyrule from the ugly guy ... I mean, Ganon... specifically by hanging on to the items it takes to get to the Triforce, which is like the Christian cross, only the Triforce grants the wish of any who touches it. And no one died on it. And there are three triangles instead of two boards nailed to eachother. Actually, it's not much like the cross at all. Anyway, They're going to stop Ganon from getting the Triforce by getting to it first, and all they need is two more spiritual stones, and Link has set off to Kakariko Village to ask the king of the entire Goron race (a complete stranger), for his most precious posession... godspeed, Link. Godspeed.  
  
  
Link: (munching and chewing on food in a restaurant) Mmm, this omelet IS good! I'll have to thank Impa the next time I see her. HEY, WAITER GUYS! MORE OMELETS OVER HERE!  
  
Waiter: Right away, sir.  
  
Navi: (sits on the edge of the table and sighs) I wish I could have some.  
  
Link: Mmmmmm MMM! This SOOOOOOO GOOD! I mean, it's really REALLY   
REALLY good!   
  
Navi: Shut up.  
  
Hours later...  
  
Link: (sitting in front of about ten or twelve plates that have been eaten off of) Ugh... I can't eat anymore...  
  
Navi: Okay, let's just go and figure out how to get to Death Mountain.  
  
Link: Alright, we'll ask whoever lives here. (reaches for the doorknob)  
  
Navi: What do you think you're doing!?  
  
Link: I'm going inside to ask people how to get to the top of Death Mountain.  
  
Navi: Link, this is someone's HOUSE. You can't just walk in and ask them questions! How would you feel if some stranger wearing weird clothes and brandishing and sword and a shield just waltzed into your house without even knocking?  
  
Link: Well, I'd probably offer him a drink and ask him what he wants. (walks in)  
  
Navi: No! (follows him inside)  
  
Link: (already sitting down having tea with the lady who lives there) So all I have to do is take the road to the left us this house all the way up until I get to Death Mountain?  
  
Navi: ...  
  
Lady: (sip sip) Oh no, dearie. Death Mountain is dangerous, and is restricted to Royal Family members only, you cute little thing you.   
  
Link: Ha! I won't have to worry about that. (stands up defiantly and points to himself) I'm the Hero of Time!  
  
Lady: Of course you are, dearie. Cookie?  
  
Link: (takes one off the plate) Thanks! Bye! (runs out)  
  
Lady: Toodles, dear! Be careful with that sword; it looks dangerous!  
  
Link: (slams the door)  
  
Lady: What a nice young man.  
  
Link: (outside) Well, we'll go up this-  
  
Chicken Lady: (pops out of nowhere directly in front of Link, stopping him in his tracks) Oh no! I lost all my chickens!  
  
Link: (whispering to Navi) That's not all she's lost...  
  
Navi: (nods)  
  
Chicken Lady: I lost all my chickens, but I don't want to look for them... (grabs Link violently by the shirt) YOU FIND MY CHICKENS!!! FIND MY CHICKENS OR GO TO HELL!!  
  
Link: Okay, okay! We'll find your stinking chickens! Sheesh!  
  
Chicken Lady: (instantly resuming her sweet gentle nature) Thank you.  
  
Meanwhile, somewhere in Gerudo Desert...  
  
Ganon: (lying on a couch) I mean, I don't TRY to be evil... just look at things from my point of view... I grew up in a family with 14 sisters, and my dad was almost sixty years old. I had to always fight to get my way, and it didn't help that all my sisters were skilled thieves! Any money I made, they would steal, and... and... (begins to cry)  
  
Psychiatrist: There, there, Mr. Ganondorf... (offering him a tissue)  
  
Ganon: (blows nose, trumpeting loudly) Can't I have things my way for once in my life!? All I want is the three spiritual stones and the Ocarina of Time so I can get the Triforce and rule Hyrule forever! (sniff sniff)  
  
Psychiatrist: I understand where you're coming from, Ganondorf, and what you're trying to say, but maybe you should try a different approach. Instead of causing all these problems for people, maybe you could help them out, and after getting on their good side-  
  
Ganon: (finishing his sentence) I could kill them all off and take it from them!  
  
Psychiatrist: Well, no... I meant you could politely ask for the stone.  
  
Ganon: (suddenly becoming very angry)  
  
Psychiatrist: Umm... I mean... your idea is good, Mr. Ganondorf sir, but... it just doesn't seem to be working.  
  
Ganon: (snaps his fingers, and four armed guards come in and begin to drag the psychiatrist away)  
  
Psychiatrist: YOUR NEFARIOUS SCHEME WILL NEVER SUCCEED! THE LEGENDARY HERO OF TIME WILL STOP Y-  
  
Several shots are heard, and the Psychiatrist speaks no more.  
  
Ganon: That's exactly what Dr. Breen said.  
  
Back in Kakariko Village...  
  
Link: (tired and sweaty, he gathers up his last bit of energy and tosses the uncooperative chicken into the coop) There... that's... the last one...  
  
Chicken Lady: Oh, thank you! You found my chickens!  
  
Link: Why couldn't you have.. (gasp pant) just found them yourself?  
  
Chicken Lady: Oh, I was too lazy.  
  
Link: ...  
  
Chicken Lady: Besides that, I wouldn't have been able to give you this wonderful reward!  
  
Link: (perks up) Oh yeah! Jackpot!  
  
Chicken Lady: Let's see here... (rummaging through a coin purse)... ah, here it is. (puts a single rupee in his hand)  
  
Link: (looks down at the rupee, and back at the lady)   
  
Chicken Lady: (smiling) Thank you.  
  
Link: Chicken lady, that's really nice, but I'd like a little bit more.  
  
Chicken Lady: Well I'm sorry, honey, but that's all your getting. (smiles)  
  
Link: What's that? You say you want to be disembowled? (beginning to unsheath sword)  
  
Chicken Lady: Um... no, I said you aren't getting a better reward...  
  
Link: (unsheathing it more) Gee lady, it sure sounded like you said you wanted to die today. I'd be much abliged to help you... (takes the sword out of the scabbard, resulting in a pleasant *SHING*, and the sunlight reflects off the shiny surface as Link turns it around)  
  
Chicken Lady: (sweating profusely) Oh, what was I thinking? Here, you can have this. It's made out of fine glass. (carefully puts a bottle in Link's hands) There! Just keep it! Keep it, and leave me alone!   
  
Link: (sheathing his sword again) Oh, you said you wanted to give me a better reward for my troubles! I'm sorry, I'm kind of hard-of-hearing. Thank you. (walks off)  
  
Navi: Haha! You sure showed that crazy chicken lady!  
  
Link: Yes. Yes I did.  
  
At the entrance to Death Mountain...  
  
Link: Hey Guard guy, can I get through?  
  
Guard: No sir, you must be a member of the Royal Family to get through.   
  
Link: (suavely takes out a piece of paper) Will, uh... ehehe... will THIS work? (smiles confidently)  
  
Guard: This is a receipt for one can of "Fairy-off" fairy killer.  
  
Navi: (glaring at Link)  
  
Link: .........................(quickly grabs it from his hand and replaces it with Zelda's Letter) What are you talking about?! It's obviously a letter from Princess Zelda, telling all to let me do whatever I want, or you're fish food. I would never buy any fairy-killing substance. (winks at Guard)  
  
Guard: (rubs his fingers together like waiters do when they want a tip)  
  
Link: (glares at him, and quickly slips him 10 rupees)  
  
Guard: (smiles and pockets them) Oh yes, my mistake. It was a letter from Princess Zelda after all. It says, "This is Link... he is under my orders to save Hyrule. He's also a big stupid idiot who can't fight fair and screams like a girl, and wishes he was me so he could boss people around."  
  
Link: Hey! It doesn't say that!  
  
Guard: See for yourself. (hands it back to him)  
  
Link: (reading quietly) ......Oooh, that Zelda! I'll get her! (crumples up the letter)  
  
Guard: Well, an order is an order. Go on ahead, Mr. Hero. Ha ha ha ha ha!  
  
Link: (cursing the guard under his breath, he walks through the gate)  
  
Guard: Hey, Mr. Hero, wait a second!  
  
Link: Grr... what do you want now?  
  
Guard: If you go up the mountain with that shield you won't survive for a second. If you go back to Hyrule Castle Town, you can go to the Bazaar; they have the shield you need.   
  
Link: Okay. (walks back down the hill)  
  
Guard: Hey, wait, I have something else to tell you.  
  
Link: (sighs, and walks back) What?  
  
Guard: You know the Happy Mask Shop? They just opened. They let you borrow masks, sell them, and you can bring back the money for however much it costs. They have this one mask call the Keaton Mask, and I really-... I mean, my SON really wants it... yeah. My son.  
  
Link: Well, you were a real jerk. I don't think I'm going to get it for you.  
  
Guard: Please! I have to stand here all my life; I don't have a choice! Think of my son... (snicker snicker)  
  
Link: Well... okay. But only because you warned me about the shield thing. (starts back down the hill)  
  
Guard: I probably should have told him he can find a free shield in the graveyard, but... feh. Oh well.  
  
Half a week later, Link comes back with a Hylian Shield on his back, and the Keaton Mask.  
  
Guard: Hehehe, looks like the shield's a little big for you, Mr. Hero.   
  
Link: Shut up. Do you want your mask or not?  
  
Guard: Oooh ooh, yes! The Keaton Mask! That's the one! My, uh... SON will be very happy.  
  
Link: Right. Well, see ya. (walks up the mountain)  
  
Guard: (waits until he's out of sight, then puts the Mask on himself and giggles)  
  
  
Link is on the next leg of his journey: Getting the Spiritual Stone of Fire. However, he has to climb... *gasp* DEATH MOUNTAIN first! (bum bum bum). What horrors await him on top of this mortal mountain (get it? MORTAL mountain!)? Find out next time, on the next exciting episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite! 


	9. Gorons, Dodongos and bombs, oh my!

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite - Chapter 9  
"Gorons, Dodongos and bombs, oh my!"  
  
  
On our last exciting episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link went to Kakariko, which is the birthplace of "the great" Impa. It's also the crazy-people capitol of Hyrule, beause everyone there is somewhat insane. After trying the omelets (under Impa's request), Link was recruited to find some lady's lost chickens, which after a little threatening, was rewarded for. Reaching Death Mountain, lost of crazy stuff happened, which resulted in Link buying a Hylian Shield and a Keaton Mask for the guard's *ahem* "son". Let's see what zany, unpredictable things Link will do now on this exciting episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite!  
  
  
On Death Mountain Trail...  
  
Link: You know, for a mountain, this sure is easy to climb. I don't even need to find any footholds or anything, it's one little route all the way up.  
  
Navi: Yeah, you would have expected that Death Mountain would actually be... mountainous.  
  
Link: It is uphill, though, which is still hard. I'm gonna sit and rest for a while. (sits on a rock and takes out a bottle of Sparklet's water)  
  
Rock: (gets up)  
  
Link: AUUGGHH! (quickly jumps off the "rock")  
  
"Rock": Hello. I am a Goron. We eat rocks.  
  
Link: ...  
  
Navi: From now on, Link, expect that the first member of any race you meet will automatically sense your unfamiliarity with them and explain their race to you, out of the blue. They will then being to tell you about the problems their race has, probably hoping with all their heart that you will be the one to save them.  
  
Random, Unidentified Goron #1: We eat rocks, but this boulder here is blocking the entrance to Dodongo's Cavern, where the most nutritious rocks come from.   
  
Link: ..."nutritious rocks"?  
  
Random, Unidentified Goron #1: Hello. I am a Goron. We eat rocks.  
  
Link: ...  
  
Navi: Also expect each member of each race only to mutter one or two sentences to you, no matter what you say to them.  
  
Link: ...Oooookaaaay.... I'm about done resting now... (backs away slowly, then turns around and runs away)  
  
After about five minutes of running, they have come to the entrance to Goron City.  
  
Link: (breathing heavily) Okay... I really need to rest now... (sits down)  
  
Navi: According to the map, the entrance to Goron City is... that way. (points to the entrance)  
  
Link: Nonono, I say it's that way! (points to a dead end)  
  
Navi: Fine. Whatever. Don't listen to me, I'm just an all-knowing fairy.  
  
Link: (walking to where he pointed) Hmm... hey look, a wierd plant! (tries to pick it up) Grr, it's a toughie! (pulling harder)  
  
Big Boulder Beside the Weird Plant: (gets up, it as at least twice the size of the previous Goron)  
  
Link: AUUUGGGHHH!   
  
Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Hello. I am a Goron. We eat rocks.  
  
Link: Yeah, I know, it's just that you're a lot bigger than the other Goron we met.  
  
Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Oh. Yeah, we fluctuate in size greatly. Anyway, you're probably wondering what that plant there is.  
  
Link: ...Well, not really, but I would like to know.  
  
Random, Unidentified Goron #2: It's a Bomb Flower. They grow in dark, damp places, so Bomb Flowers in a location like this are extremely rare. I'm shielding it from the sun.   
  
Link: Aww, how noble.  
  
Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Yes. Do you have any other questions for me?  
  
Link: Yeah, where do babies come from? (snicker snicker)  
  
Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Umm... Bomb Flowers like these usually grow in Dodongo's Cavern, but right now a bunch of Dodongos showed up, and this big boulder appeared, so we can't get into it.  
  
Link: Yeah that's nice and all, but I asked about-  
  
Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Yeahokayseeya! (resumes his rock-like position)  
  
Link: (stands there for a moment, then knocks on it) Hello?  
  
Navi: Forget about it, Link. Let's just go to Goron City. Besides, PDFarsight doesn't have any jokes left about this guy.   
  
Link: Okay. (walks into Goron city, sees lots of rock things/Gorons) Okay, so we'll justAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHH! (falls all the way down to the bottom level) ...Erggh....  
  
Goron: (gets up) I'm hungry! I want the rocks from Dodongo's Cavern!  
  
Link: Yeah yeah, shut up, just be patient.  
  
Goron: Big Brother said locked himself in his room and said "I will wait here until The Royal Family's Messenger comes!"  
  
Link: Hey, that's me! I'm the Royal Family's Messenger!  
  
Goron: Oh yeah?! Well you also have to figure out how to get INTO his room! HAHAHAHAHAHA! (disappears in a puff of smoke and hellish fire)   
  
Link: ...Um....  
  
Navi: (turns green and flies near the rug on the locked door) I sense that this rug has something to do with opening the door!   
  
Link: Hmm, you may be right Navi.   
  
Navi: Since he's waiting for the Royal Family's Messenger, why don't you play that Royal Song you just learned? Maybe that will open the door!  
  
Link: Nah, I got a better idea. (lifts up the rug and pulls out a key) See, it was under the rug the whole time!   
  
Navi: ...Shut up.  
  
Link: (unlocks the door and walks in; the room is totally dark) Hey, where is everything?  
  
Suddenly, the torches light up, and you can see that "No rocks from Dodongo's Cavern make Big Brother go crazy" is scribbled over every inch of every wall and all over the ceiling.  
  
Link: Well that's pretty unusual...  
  
Voice From Undetermined Source: Big Brother is watching you....  
  
Link: Hey! Who said that!?  
  
VFUS: Big Brother is watching you...  
  
Link: Show yourself!  
  
VFUS: Big Brother is watching you....  
  
Link: STOP SAYING THAT! And who's Big Brother?!  
  
VFUS: I am! (hops into view from the closet)  
  
Link: Woah! What are you doing in there!  
  
Big Brother: My Goron friends call me Big Brother, but my name is Darunia. Hey, aren't you supposed to be the Royal Family's Messenger?! You're just a kid! Get lost!  
  
Link: But-  
  
Darunia: Get out of my face, now!  
  
Link: Wait, I have a question. Can I have the Spiritual Stone of Fire?  
  
Darunia: ...  
  
Outside Darunia's Room...  
  
Link: (flies out the door and slams into the opposite wall)  
  
Darunia: And stay out! (slams the door)  
  
Navi: (whispering to Link) Maybe you should try to cheer him up before you ask him for his most prized possesion.  
  
Link: No. He was a jerk. I'll just kill him and take it from him.  
  
Navi: (gets in Link's face and speaks gravely) You will play Saria's Song for him and like it.  
  
Link: ...O-okay. (walks back in Darunia's Room)  
  
Darunia: Hey! I told you never to come back!  
  
Link: Yeah, whatever. Here's a pretty song for you. (takes out the Ocarina and plays Saria's Song)  
  
Darunia: .....(begins to dance like crazy) Wahoo! Oh yeah! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come one! YEEEEEAH! HOT! What a hot beat! (stops dancing) Suddenly, just like that, my depression is gone! I suddenly had the urge to dance! Now I'm all happy and gitty! So you want the Spiritual Stone, eh? Well, how about you clear up our little problem for us? Go kill all the Dodongos in Dodongo's Cavern.  
  
Link: NO! I REFUSE! THAT IS GOING TOO FAR! (looks at Navi)  
  
Navi: (gives him the scariest evil-eye ever)  
  
Link: Umm... ehehe... I mean, sure! I'll do it right now!  
  
Darunia: Wait! I want to give you this, for no reason at all, besides the fact that you couldn't defeat the Dodongos and would surely die in the cavern without this. Here. (gives him the Goron's Bracelet) Now you can pull up Bomb Flowers.  
  
Link: Okay, thanks. (leaves)  
  
At the Bomb Flower on Death Mountain Trail:  
  
Random, Unidentified Goron #2: Hey, what are you doing?!  
  
Link: I'm going to use this Bomb Flower to blow up that boulder down there.   
  
Random, Unidentified Goron #2: ...Oh. I wonder why I never though of that.   
  
Link: Probably cuz you're a big stupid idiot. (drops the bomb)   
  
Random, Unidentified Goron #1 (is sitting by the boulder): [BOOM] AUUGGGHHH! (dies)  
  
Link: Heheh... oops. THAT'S probably why you never though of that. (drops another one)  
  
[BOOM]  
  
The boulder explodes into a million jillion pieces, so tiny that all traces and fragments of the boulder disappear forever.  
  
Link: Direct hit! Ha ha! (drops down and walks into Dodongo's Cavern)  
  
  
Link is now venturing into Dodongo's Cavern in order to save the Gorons from starvation, and Hyrule from domination. However, what monstrosities await Link in this cavern, filled with things called "Dodongos"? What are those anyway? Find out next time, o the next exciting (hey, this one might actually be exciting) episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite! 


	10. Dodongo's Cavern

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite – Chapter 10

The Legend of Zelda:Ocarina of Time Rewrite – Chapter 10

"Should they really explode like that?"

**_On the last UNBEARABLY EXCITING episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link met the rocks Gorons, who were actually pretty nice once you go to know them.Well, all but that one that exploded in the hellish fire and all.He was kinda creepy.And when Link first met Darunia.He was mean too… but you get my point.Nice = not evil, right?Well, except for that one that… nevermind.Forget it.Let's just start the episode before I top myself again._**

**_ _**

**_ _**

In Dodongo's Cavern… 

_ _

Link:(walks into Dodongo's Cavern)What the heck!?

Navi:What?

_Two Dinofols are at a card table set up in the middle of the room._

_ _

Dinofol #1:Got any fives?

Dinofol #2:Nope.Go fish.

Dinofol #1:Drat.(draws a card)Hey, I got one!

Dinofol #2:Cheater.

Navi:…

Link:HEY!We're supposed to get rid of the dodongos!We can't do that with you guys playing CARDS!Get out!Out, all of you!(cuts the table in half with his sword)

Dinofol #1:Hey!

Link:Get out of here, or I'm gonna do to you what I did to this table!

Dinofol #2:Okay, but mark my words, you'll pay for this!(hops out)

Dinofol #1:Yeah!And we're going to bill you for that table!(hops out as well)

Link:(proudly sheathes his sword)Heh heh heh.I sure showed them.

Navi:(rolls her eyes)Yeah.You really showed 'em, Link.

Link:Hah!It's probably 'cause of that great line."I'll do to you what I did to this table!"I'm so cool.

Navi:Let's just hurry up and get rid of the dodongos, okay?

_ _

_They walk through into the main room._

_ _

Link:Hey, look!

Navi:What?

Link:That eye thing!Maybe it'll tell us stuff in a weird language, like in Star Wars.

Navi:Um… I really don't suggest it, Link.

Link:Nonsense.He looks nice enough.(walks up to the eye thing and clears throat)Hello?

Eye thing:(turns around and stares at him)

Link:Can you tell me where the dodongos are?

Eye thing:(blinks)

Link:Cuz, you see, we need to kill them in order to-

Eye thing:(shoots Link in the butt with a laser)

Link:OW! (runs off)

Navi:I hate to say I told you so, but…

Link:(rubbing his smoking butt)Oh, quiet.You're always getting me into trouble.

Later… 

Link and Navi:(walk into a large room, and the door closes and locks behind them) 

Link:Well this can't be good.

Dinofol #1 and 2:(appear out of nowhere holding swords)

Link:Augh!

Dinofol #1:Hahaha!We told you we'd get you back!You destroyed our Go Fish game, and now you will pay!

Dinofol #2:Yeah!And I was winning too!

Dinofol #1:(turns to #2)No you weren't.I had three books and you only had two.

Dinofol #2:No, I had four books.

Dinofol #1:That's because YOU have the crazy notion that two cards count as a book!

Dinofol #2:That's the way the game works!Only two cards are needed for a book!

Dinofol #1:Four!

Dinofol #2:Two!

Both Dinofols:(stab each other with their swords at the exact same time, then fall over and evaporate into nothing)

Link and Navi:…

Later… 

Link:Boy, that sure was weird.Those two just killed each other, out of the blue. 

Navi:I know.And over such a trivial thing as a card game, too.They aren't very mature.

Link:Yeah.Besides, that one guy with two books was winning anyway.

Navi:No he wasn't.He only had three.The other guy had four.

Link:But four cards counts as a book!

Navi:No it doesn't!The rules clearly state that TWO CARDS count as a book!

Link:FOUR!

Navi: **TWO!**

** **

Several hours later… 

Link:WHATEVER!I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!IT'S JUST A STUPID CARD GAME ANYWAY!LET'S **GO!**(marches off angrily)

Navi:Yes, LETS!(follows him)

Link:(suddenly stops in his tracks)

Navi:What now, too weak to walk?! …Oh.

Several large iguana-like lizards are roaming the premises, doing apparently nothing but walking in circles and stopping every few minutes.

Link:…I take it that's a dodongo.

Navi:…Yes.It is.

Link:…

Navi:…

Link:…So!?You think I'm going to just go barging in there without knowing how to beat them?Tell me how to kill them!

Navi:Geez, you sure are cranky!You have to… (remembers their argument before, and smiles)You have to hit them in the face.Several times.

Link:Slice their face up, eh?Hehehe.Gotcha.(runs into the next room)

Navi:…Sucker.(cackles evilly)

Several screams of pain are heard from the next room, along with sounds of fire and wails of the Dodongo.

_ _

Link:(walks back into the room, completely charred to a crisp)

Navi:(bursts into laughter)Ahhhh hahahahaha!Look at you!You look like a charcoal briquette!Hahahahaha!

Link:Har har.Tell me how to kill them or I'll tie you to a bomb.

Navi:Geez, you're as cranky as ever!Fine.You have to hit their TAILS, while avoiding their fire-breath.

Link:Well, sure, you tell me that NOW.

Navi:Oh, stop complaining.You whine about everything.

Later… 

_ _

Link and Navi:(walk into a room)

The door closes and locks behind them.

_ _

Link:(sighs)Not AGAIN…

Dinofol #1:We might have let you off easy the last time, but this time you will die!

Dinofol #2:Yeah!And we figured out the game was a draw, since **you **walked in and destroyed it!

Dinofol #1:Yeah!(laughs) We're not going to kill each other AGAIN, right?

Dinofol #2:Hahaha!Yeah… (glares at #1)

Dinofol #1:(glares at #2)

Dinofol #2:(snaps out of the evil glaring)…So!We're going to kill you!

Link:(takes out his sword and shield and readies himself)

They stare at each other, each waiting for the other to attack.As Link is about to strike…

Mario:(appears out of nowhere)

Link:!?

Dinofol #1:What?!Who are you?

Mario:It'sa me, Mario!

Navi:Um… why is HE here?

Dinofol #2:This is a private affair!Stay out of this!

Mario:Here we go! (jumps high into the air, landing on #2's head, killing him instantly)

Dinofol #1:No!My best friend!I will kill you!(swings his sword at Mario)

Mario:(catches the sword with a single hand)

Dinofol #1:(gasps)

Mario:(uses his other hand and slowly turns the sword around in the Dinofol's hand, and stabs him with it)

Dinofol #1:Curse… you… Mario… (dies)

Mario:Okey-dokey!(puts on an Invisible hat, becomes invisible, and walks through the wall)

Link: …

Meanwhile, in Gerudo Valley… 

_ _

Ganondorf:Analyze the situation… position yourself… ready your mind… then ATTACK!(swings)

The golf ball goes flying deep into Hylian Field.

Ganondorf:(wearing a golf hat, golf pants, a golf vest, golf shoes, and a glove on one hand)That was a nice one!Right on the green!(walks in the direction the ball went)

Caddy:Yes, sir, it was.(follows him)However, I have some news for you…

Ganondorf:Yes?

Caddy:It appears, sir, that the Deku Tree no longer has the Spiritual Stone of the Forest.

Ganondorf:Oh?Is it in the mail?

Caddy:No sir, he's kind of… dead.

Ganondorf:Oh.Good.So he sent it with UPS, then?

Caddy:No… he gave it to someone else.

Ganondorf:WHAT!? (swings, and ball goes soaring out of the valley)

In Kakariko Village…

Random Man:(gets hit in the head with the ball and falls unconscious)

Back in Dodongo's Cavern…

Link:Well that boss was sure easy. (dusting himself off)

Navi:Yeah!That was AWESOME Link!You really showed that chump!

Link:Yeah, I was kinda worried when he swallowed me, but… well, we all know how that turned out.(cracks knuckles out in front of him, then walks into the blue portal)

**What the heck?!We didn't even get to see him fight the boss!In fact, he didn't fight ANYTHING in this ENTIRE EPISODE!This was supposed to be EXCITING!Where has the integrity of this rewrite gone?!Oh well.So Link has defeated the Dodongos, saving the entire Goron race from starvation.What will happen next?Find out (as if you don't know already), on the next exciting mind-numbingly boring episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite!**

**_ _**


	11. Should they really explode like that?

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Rewrite: Chapter 11

The Legend of Zelda:Ocarina of Time Rewrite:Chapter 11

""

**_On the last episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link and Navi conquered Dodongo's Cavern and mysteriously defeated the King Dodongo.They also got involved in some card game, or something.I don't know, I forgot.They did something like that.Well, on the next episode._**

**_ _**

**_ _**

On Death Mountain… 

Link:(slowly floats down to the ground from the blue beam)I think that's my favorite part of defeating the temple. 

Navi:Riding the blue teleporter beam thing?

Link:Yeah.What is that, anyway?And how does it know when to appear?It's almost as if some TEAM OF DEVELOPERS sort of _programmed_ the beam to come when we defeated the boss.

Navi:Woah… creepy.

Link:Yeah.I also had this other theory on—

Darunia:(falls from the sky for no clearly discernable reason)

Link:AUGH!

Darunia:(gets up)Well done, kid!You defeated the Dodongos!Let's be brothers now!

Link:Why?

Darunia:Don't ask stupid questions.We're just brothers now, got it!?

Link:I don't know if I want to be your brother.

Darunia:Why not?I'm a GREAT brother!

Link:Well, you promised me the Sacred Stone of Fire, and you didn't give it to me.

Darunia:You didn't kill all the dodongos.

Link:Yes I did!It's not my fault that they mysteriously return whenever you leave the room!

Darunia:(folds arms)A deal's a deal.No spiritual stone.

Link:(looks innocent)…Okay.You're right, Darunia.I didn't kill all the dodongos like I said.I'm sorry.You deserve toHAHAHAHA GOT IT!(quickly grabs the stone from his pocket and runs away)

Darunia:What!?HEY!COME BACK HERE!(curls into a ball and rolls after Link)

Link:(runs from the curled-up Darunia ala "Indiana Jones")

Link:(dives through the Death Mountain gates, nearly escaping Darunia)

Darunia:(gets stuck in the gates)Wha--… oh no!WHY YOU LOUSY LITTLE PUNK, GET BACK HERE!GIVE BACK THE STONE RIGHT NOW!

Link:Did you just hear something, Navi? (stifles laughter)

Navi:No.Let's go.(giggles)

Out in Hyrule Field… 

_ _

Link:Okay, so we have two of the three spiritual stones.What do you do now?

Navi:I wonder if **Saria** knows anything about the last spiritual stone?

Link:(suspicious)You seem to rely on awful lot on what SARIA knows.Don't YOU know anything?

Navi:Well, not anything about spiritual stones.

Link:Heh.

Navi:What?

Link:I take it there's no qualifying exam to be a fairy companion.

Navi:Are you kidding!?We had to learn the names, strengths, and weaknesses of every potentially-threatening creature in all of Hyrule!You think THAT qualifies me enough!?

Link:Do you know where to get a good cheeseburger?

Navi:Hyrule doesn't even HAVE cheeseburgers!

Link:Really?Wow!C'mon, there's a fortune to be made!(runs off)

Navi:LINK!

Link:What?

Navi:Ask Saria about the last spiritual stone!

Link:Oh.Okay.(takes out Ocarina)

Navi:What happened to the cell phone?

Link:Are you kidding?Do you know how much it costs to make a long-distance call like that?!

Navi:…Oh.I never really thought of that.

Link:(plays Saria's Song)

Navi:Do you want to talk to Saria?

Link:Of course I do!It was YOUR idea!

Navi:(grumbles and creates a psychic connection between Saria and Link)

Link:(telepathically receives information)…We need to get the Spiritual Stone of Water.The Zoras have it, and they live in Zora's Domain.

In Zora's Domain… 

_ _

Link:Aw, great.More rocks blocking our way.Guess I'll whip—

Kaepora Gaebora:Hi!

Link:WAAAH!(falls down)Who are you?

Kaepora Gaebora:I'm God.

Link:(suspicious)The same God who said I can't get into heaven because my feet smell?

Kaepora Gaebora:(nervously)Ahahaha!Oh, did I say God?I meant Gaebora.Kaepora Gaebora.…I'm not God.

Link:Right.So what do you want, Mr. GAYbora?(snickers)

Kaepora Gaebora:Har har.I just wanted to tell you you're in Zora's Domain, and the Zora race live here, and they protect the water somehow, and you can't get into their home because there's a waterfall blocking it.

Link:Can't you just jump through the waterfall?

Kaepora Gaebora:(ignoring him)You have to be a member of the royal family to get in.Or someone in connection to the royal family.Or the royal family's cousins.Or the royal family's cousin's mailman.Or something.

Link:We get the picture.

Kaepora Gaebora:Great.Well anyway, I just came by here to tell you you're screwed, because you're not part of the royal family, so you can't get in.That is, unless, you somehow know **the royal melody **you must play to get in.Cuz that's the only way to get in.Unless you're part of the royal family.You aren't, are you? 

Link:Well actually—

Kaepora Gaebora:Bye.(flies off)

Link:… 

At the waterfall leading into Zora's Domain… 

_ _

Link:(takes out the Ocarina, and a mysterious tune plays)What was that!?

Navi:Oh, it happens when you do something good.Don't worry about it.

Link:Ahh… (plays Saria's song by mistake)

Navi:Do you want to talk to Saria?

Link: …No…

Navi:Oh… then… (blushes)… do you want to talk to me?

Link:(blushes as well)Well… 

Navi:Yes?

Link:…Are you SURE you don't know where a good cheeseburger joint is?

Navi:(falls down)(sighs)…No…

Link:Ahh, fine.(plays Zelda's Lullaby, and another tune plays as the waterfall parts and a hole is clearly visible)I'm tellin' ya, those little tunes are creepin' me out… (enters Zora's Domain)

_Inside Zora's Domain (the real one), Link and Navi are kneeling at the foot of the King._

_ _

Link:(respectfully)Greetings, Great King Zora.We are the royal family's messengers.We have come with orders from Princess Zelda to save Hyrule from imminent destruction.We are in need of your assistance:we require the Spiritual Stone of Water.May we have it?

King Zora:Oh, my dear sweet Princess Ruto…where have you gone?

Link:HEY!I spent HOURS working on that speech!You better respond with something worthwhile, NOW!

King Zora:Oh, my dear sweet Princess Ruto… where have you gone?

Navi:I'm afraid he won't say anything more unless we give him something.

Link:Screw him.I'm not getting anything.I'm going to go over there.(runs off)

Diving Game Zora:Ah.Hello.Would you like to play a diving game?Twenty rupees.If you pick up the rupees I toss in the allotted time period, I'll give you **something good.**

Link:What will you give me?

Diving Game Zora:(winks and smiles)It's a secret.

Link:(frowning and looking down the waterfall)I'm afraid I'm not going to take a fifty-foot dive into roughly ten-feet-deep water unless I know what I'm getting out of it.

Diving Game Zora:Don't be such a wuss.Readysetgo!(pushes Link off the cliff)

Link:WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGGHHHHH![SPLASH]

Diving Game Zora:Don't forget the rupees!(tosses rupees into the area where Link is)

Link:(dollar signs appear in his eyes)AUGH!MONEY!(quickly dives into the water and gets them all at once)

Diving Game Zora:Hey, great!Congratulations!Come up here and claim your prize!

Link:(on the way back up to the Diving Game Zora)I wonder why the game costs twenty rupees, but he throws twenty-five rupees into the water for you to keep.How does he expect to make a profit?

Navi:Maybe he can't count.C'mon, let's collect our prize!

Back at the Diving Game Zora… 

Link:Okay, so what do I get?

Diving Game Zora:That was such a graceful dive!Here, this is a scale of our kind.It allows you to dive much deeper than you could before.

Link:…How?

Diving Game Zora:(suddenly very serious)That is one of the great mysteries of the universe.

Link:…

Diving Game Zora:(snapping back into his regular friendly mood)But anyway, here it is!(gives it to Link)

Link:Thanks!I think I'll go dive into that hole I saw before.

Navi:You really shouldn't be swimming into random holes.You don't know where that could go.

Link:Nonsense.I'll be fine.(dives off the cliff and swims into the hole)

In Lake Hylia… 

_ _

Link:(gasping and coughing for air as he rises from the bottom) Phew!I can BREATHE!

Navi:I told you so…

Link:Well who would have guessed it lead to somewhere halfway across Hyrule!?

Navi:Hmph.

Link:Besides, I— (notices shiny thing on the bottom of the lake)Hey, shiny stuff.I'll go get it.(dives down, grabs it, and comes back up)

Navi:You got an **Empty Bottle**!You can carry things in it and… what?There's already something in it!?

Link:Brilliant, Holmes.

**_What dwells within the bottle?Why are rocks always blocking the way to essential plot points?Will Link EVER find a good cheeseburger joint?Find out this and more, on the next Ocarina of Time Rewrite!_**


	12. Ganondorf, Mr Inferiority Complex

  


_**On the last episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link, having recieved all three of the Spiritual Stones, returned to Hyrule Castle Town, with hopes of getting into the Temple of Time to get the Triforce. However, Ganondorf appeared and caused some trouble. As Zelda and Impa fled from the castle, Zelda tossed a rock ocarina at Link, one which will change the course of history... probably.**_

  


_At the gates of Hyrule Castle Town..._

Link: Wow, this Ocarina is awesome! It's all blue and shiny. It's a LOT better than that dumb old ocarina that Saria gave me. (throws it behind his back, and it shatters is it hits the ground) 

Navi: Didn't Saria give that to you as a memento of your eternal friendship? 

Link: Yeah, but look, this one's SHINY. (twirling the Ocarina of Time around and watching it gleam in the sun) 

Navi: (looking at the shattered pieces of Saria's Ocarina on the ground) Heh… yeah, that was a pretty dumb ocarina. Look, this piece had "LINK + SARIA 4EVER" scratched in it. What a piece of junk! 

Link and Navi: (walk away laughing) 

  


_In the Lost Woods…_

Saria: (freezes in place and collapses) 

  


_At the Temple of Time…_

Link: Okay, so where's this door that leads to the Triforce? 

Navi: I don't know. 

_Suddenly, an old woman who looks suspiciously like Ganondorf walks by._

Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: (walks up right behind Link and starts talking loudly in a high voice) It sure was foolish of the builders of this temple to put the Triforce right behind that Triforce-shaped door over there. Anyone who wanted it would just have to **put the Three Spiritual Stones in that pedestal over there and play the Song of Time on the Ocarina of Time,** and they could easily get it. 

Link: (still thinking)…Maybe there's some sort of application we have to fill out or something… 

Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: (talking louder) Yes, I sure hope no one here has Three Spiritual Stones and the Ocarina of Time, or they could be **listening to me** and **find out how to get to the Triforce.** If they got it before Ganondorf, his whole evil scheme will be **totally ruined!**

Navi: (to Link) Maybe there's a special chant or something? 

Link: Zelda didn't say anything about that, though. 

Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: (frowns, then drops a piece of paper on the floor) Oops, I just dropped that very important document that tells exactly how to get the Triforce on the floor. I sure hope no one tries to pick it up and look at it. 

Link: (still racking his brain) 

Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: It was careless of me to drop it. I better bend down and get it before someone picks it up and gets the Triforce. (almost yelling right in Link's ear) SOMEONE WITH THE THREE SPIRITUAL STONES AND THE OCARINA OF TIME. 

Link: (talking to himself) Maybe if we just ASK for the Triforce, someone will give it to us… 

Old Woman Who Looks Suspiciously Like Ganondorf: (thinking) Okay, this isn't working. I better think of a new, more simplistic plan. 

  


_Some time later…_

Navi: I don't know about this, Link. It looks kind of suspicious to me. 

Link: (walking along a trail of candy, picking up each piece and eating it) It's free candy, Navi. It can't be anything bad. ( he gets to the last candy) Hey, this long line of candies led us straight to this pedestal here. 

Navi: (pointing) Look, there's a sign on it. 

_Above the three slots there is a crude sign that shows where all the Spiritual Stones go on the pedestal and the exact notes and hand positions for playing the Song of Time on the Ocarina._

Link: Gee, that sure is convenient. 

Navi: (suspicious) You don't think anyone placed this here TRYING to get us to get the Triforce, do you, Link? 

Link: Of course not, Navi. Don't be stupid. 

  


_Behind a nearby wall…_

Ganondorf: This plan is perfect! No one's too stupid to mess this up. 

  


_Back at Link and Navi…_

Link: (trying desperately to get it right) Darnit, this stupid Spiritual Stone won't fit! 

Navi: Try turning it upside down! 

Link: I did! 

  


_Behind a nearby wall…_

Ganondorf: … 

  


_Back at Link and Navi…_

Link: Darnit, I dropped one! 

Navi: Here, let me get it. (flies down and picks up the Stone, but hits her head on the pedestal and drops it again, the stone landing squarely on Link's foot) 

Link: (grabbing his foot, jumping up and down) Auugh! Auuuughhh! 

  


_Behind a nearby wall…_

Ganondorf: This is ridiculous. I can't take it anymore. (walks up to Link and smacks him in the head) 

Link: Ow! 

Ganondorf: You idiot! Let me see those! (he snatches the Spiritual Stones from Link's hands) THIS one goes here, and THAT one goes there. The last one goes here, okay!? You're such an idiot… Give me that! (snatches the Ocarina from Link's hands and plays the Song of Time. The door opens.) THERE! Now go inside and get the sword, alright?! God, you're so STUPID! (stomps off angrily) 

Navi: …Dang, what was his problem? 

Link: (walking into the room) Yeah, I know. What a pill. 

Navi: (gasps as she enters the room) Wow! Is that… 

Link: Is that what? (sees the sword) Neat. What is it? 

Navi: Is that the legendary blade? The bane of evil? The sword constructed long ago by the last remaining Wise Ones? 

Link: You still haven't answered my- 

Navi: Could that be the famous sword that crushes all wickedness and is destined to be the weapon of the Hero of Time? Is it that mythical and wonderful blade that- 

Link: WHAT IS IT! 

Navi: …Is that… the MASTER SWORD!?! 

Link: (sarcastically excited) I don't know, IS IT?!?!?!?! 

Navi: I think it IS! 

Link: Well let's GET IT THEN!!! (grabs the sword and pulls it from the platform) 

_Suddenly, a bright light fills the room as the Triforce on the floor glows. A blue beam rises up around Link and bathes the room with light._

Voice: Link… hey, Link! Wake up! 

Link: Huh… what. What! Who are you? 

Rauru: Well, I'm Rauru, one of the- 

Link: (squinting) What? Dang, it's early. Get me some coffee. 

Rauru: Link, you ne- 

Link: (tries pouring himself some coffee, but spills it) Wha… dang. 

Rauru: (gasps in horror) My Gerudian carpet!!! (runs over to it) 

Link: (eating a bagel, spitting crumbs all over the place) Err, yeah, sorry about that. 

Rauru: AUGGGHHH! (grabs a bottle of Hyrulian SpotCleaner and a few rags) Oh, this is horrible, just terrible! 

Link: Dude, it's just carpet. 

Rauru: (looking up at him from the floor, scrubbing it) You idiot! This isn't "just carpet", it's GERUDIAN CARPET! It's very rare and beautiful and I LAID IT MYSELF! 

Link: Ah… well, sorry. You keep cleaning, I'll be- 

Rauru: (staring at him) 

Link: (stares back) 

Rauru: (walks up to him, touching his tunic) Oh dear oh dear, these clothes… oh, they just won't do. 

Link: Huh? 

Rauru: (walks over to a closet, opens it and fumbles around in it) Oh yes, this will be PERFECT for his frame… yes, this is good too… oh NO, that would be horrible with the green… 

Link: Um… what? 

Rauru: (walks over to him, comparing white and black leggings against him) Oh, come on, Link, those clothes are SO seven years go. 

Link: Nuh uh! My tunic and sword are very stylish! And that red thing on the Deku Sheild? Totally chic. 

Rauru: (measuring his waist with measuring tape) You know it's been seven years since you pulled the Master Sword from the pedestal, right? 

Link: Huh!? 

Rauru: Well, just look at yourself! (shoves a mirror in his face) 

Link: (stares at the mirror for a few seconds, then twirls around in a circle and shakes his butt in front of the mirror) Righteous! I look good! 

Rauru: YEAH ya do… (blushes) um, I mean, come here. We HAVE to do something about that outfit. (they disappear into Rauru's huge clothes closet) 

  


_Later…_

Link: (now wearing the Adult Link outfit) All RIGHT! Rauru, you're a genius! 

Rauru: Yes, yes. I did design the Chamber of Sages myself, after all. The waterfalls, and the Sage Platforms… perfect. 

Link: It could use a few chairs. 

Rauru: (glares at him) 

Link: …for, um, sitting here for hours admiring this PERFECT LAYOUT. 

Rauru: That's better. Now then, Link, perhaps I should explain to you why your soul was imprisoned for seven years. 

Link: Yeah, I was kind of wondering about that. 

Rauru: You see, although you were the Legendary Hero of Time, you were not yet hot enough to fulfill your destiny. 

Link: Hot enough? 

Rauru: …Err, old enough. Yeah. Anyway, since you weren't OLD enough to be the Hero of Time, the Master Sword imprisoned you here, freezing you in place. 

Link: So who decided when it was time for me to be let go? 

Rauru: Oh, I did. You just weren't drawing any crowds anymore. 

Link: Drawing crowds? 

Rauru: Yes. See, you really clashed with the décor of the Temple of Time, so we decided to make you a tourist attraction and pay for admittance so that you wouldn't be TOTALLY useless. 

Link: What!?! 

Rauru: "Come see the Amazing Elf! Frozen in Time!" (takes out some photos of random tourists putting bunny ears on him and putting their fingers in his nose and other pranks) Oh yeah, you were totally popular for the first five years. Really helped the economy of Hyrule. But the last two years have been slow, so I decided, "Hey, I'll just let him go." 

Link: (looking closer at the pictures, he sees Navi working on something) Hey, I don't remember Navi doing that when I pulled the sword out. 

Rauru: Oh yes… well, that was a problem. 

Link: Really? How? 

Rauru: You see, the Master Sword sealed YOU in time, not your fairy. She, however, is bound to your side, and as such she was stuck here for seven years, awake the entire time. 

Link: Wow. What'd she do to occupy herself? 

Rauru: Crossword puzzles. 

_Navi flies by, holding a tiny piece of paper and a small pen._

Navi: (mumbling) …C'mon, Navi… last one… butterfly, happy pie, jumble mumble wordy bumble…. 

Rauru: Or, a crossword puzzle, I should say. She's been on the same one the entire time. 

Link: (laughing) Really!? That's hilarious! What a dope! Hahaha! 

Navi: (grabbing on Rauru's robes, sobbing) I can't take it anymore! I need a four-letter word for "ring or loop forming a chain"! It's the last one! Please tell me! 

Rauru: …Hm… link? 

Navi: …(her eyes widen) OH MY GOSH! IT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME THE ENTIRE TIME! I HAD TO STARE AT HIS UGLY MUG FOR SEVEN YEARS AND STILL MISSED IT! AAAUUUGGHHH! (flies around the room erratically before running into a wall and falling to the ground unconscious) 

Link and Rauru: … 

  


_Later…_

Link: (making quotations marks with his fingers in the air) Okay… so you're a "sage", and I'm the "Hero of Time", and I have to awaken the other "sages" to use their power against Ganondorf, who now rules Hyrule with an iron fist. 

Rauru: Bingo. 

Link: So "where" is the "first" "sage" "anyway"? 

Rauru: Stop that. 

Link: (giggles) 

Rauru: That you will soon know. For now, I add my power to yours! Receive this new strength! (lifts up arms, and a yellow disk floats down from the sky) 

Link: Wow! Cool! 

Rauru: Get some of these from the other sages, too. 

Link: (examining it) So how exactly do I make myself stronger with this? Do I eat it? (gnaws at an edge of it) Wait a minute… this is cardboard! 

Rauru: B-b-but it floated! That means it's magical! 

Link: No it doesn't! Look, I can see the string holding it up! Who's doing that?! (looks up into the rafters in the cieling) 

Navi: (holding a stick with the string attached to it) Crap. I was sure he would fall for that. 

Link: Rauru, you old fart! (lunges at him) 

Rauru: Augh! (quickly sends Link back to Hyrule) 

  
_**I knew that Rauru was a fake. He always struck me as false. I mean, what was with those little swirling floating disks, anyway? "Adding the strength of the Sages to yours"? Bull. I never got any stronger except from the natural experience gotten from fighting bosses and stuff. Man, I'm so gonna kill Rauru the next time I see him. In fact, I think that's exactly what Link's planning. Find out on the next Ocarina of Time Rewrite!**_


	13. Appearance of the Flamboyant Rauru

  


**_In the last episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link found the Ocarina of Time and got the Master Sword (with some help from Ganon). But oh no! Ganon found the Triforce and is now the King of Evil! What are we gonna do? Make our hero a jillion times sexier, that's what. Watch Link exact his revenge in scintillating sexiness!_**

  


Link: Grr! I'll get that Rauru if it's the last thing I do! 

Navi: (pretending she wasn't involved) …Grr! Yeah! Let's go beat the stuffing out of him! 

Link: But how? 

Navi: Maybe if you put the Master Sword back in the Pedestal of Time you get to go back to the Chamber of Sages. 

Link: Ahh, good plan, Navi. 

Navi: Well, I try. 

Link: (tries to put the sword back in the pedestal) 

_Suddenly, a bright light flashes throughout the temple._

Link: AAAH! My eyes! Navi, I hate you! 

Navi: (rubbing her eyes) I didn't do it! 

Link: Then who did?! 

_As his vision slowly returns, Link begins to make out a figure standing in front of the Pedestal of Time._

Link: Who…? 

Figure: (mysterious and quiet) _I've been waiting for you._

Link: Well, I've been here for about seven years. You must have been waiting a while. 

Figure: (struck by his this) Well --you know-- waiting for you to return to consciousness. 

Link: But I wasn't unconscious. 

Figure: Okay, fine, I haven't been waiting. I just got here. 

Link: Then why'd you tell me you were waiting? 

Figure: Look at my eyes! And these clothes! These aren't some normal, everyday clothes! Heck, my pants are so tight I can barely walk! I'm a SHEIKAH! 

Link: So? 

Figure: We're supposed to be silent, mystifying and well-balanced warrior servants of Hyrule! We can't just show up and be all, "Yeah, hi, what'd I miss?" 

Link: Then I guess you aren't a very good Sheikah. 

Figure: (eyes tear up, and throws a charge down on the ground, which explodes in a bright light) 

Link: Um… you're still here. 

Figure: (looks around)… Shut up! (runs out of the temple, but trips and falls on his way out) 

Link and Navi: (laugh) 

_Later, in Hyrule Field…_

Link: Well, except for all the dark clouds and the broken bridge and Redeads and the fact that Hyrule Castle Town is utterly destroyed and deserted, Hyrule doesn't seem THAT different. 

Navi: I still think you should try to find these sage things. 

Link: Look, even the Stalchildren are gone! I can actually SLEEP now instead of fighting all night! 

Navi: Well, what are we going to do, Link? It's been seven years; we know almost nothing about this place! 

Link: Let's go see if Malon got as hot as I did. 

Navi: (rolls eyes) That's stupid. 

Link: Well, you're bound to my side, aren't you? You have to follow me! Ha! 

Navi: (mutters curses to herself and follows him) 

_At Lon-Lon Ranch…_

Link: Look, this place still looks the same! I think Rauru was just tricking us again. 

Navi: Yeah, maybe, except all the horses are now caged in that little fenced area. 

Link: …Oh yeah. Hey, look, it's my horse! 

Navi: You don't HAVE a horse. 

Link: Yes I do! Malon said she'd give that red one to me! 

Navi: She said it _liked you_, she never said you could HAVE it! 

Link: Yes she did. (hops the fence) 

Navi: Link! Wait! 

Link: (gets on Epona) Haha! See, Navi? It **obeys** its master! 

Epona: (bucks him off) 

Link: Aaauugghhh! (lands right at the feet of someone) 

_Link looks up, and finds himself at the feet of the stableman Ingo from seven years ago, only he is dressed in high-class clothes. He's still an ugly git._

Ingo: Waaaaah! I am the hard-working Ingo! I run this ranch! 

Link: I thought Talon and Malon ran this ranch. 

Ingo: WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?! I DIDN'T STEAL THE RANCH FROM THEM! YOU CAN'T PROVE IT! NOBODY SAW ME! 

Link: … 

Ingo: I didn't steal it! You believe me, don't you?! Don't go telling people I stole it! I just work HARDER than Talon, who was a lazy bum! 

Link: The horses seemed a lot happier when HE ran the ranch. 

Ingo: You better watch your mouth, kid! I am a friend of the Great Ganondorf! 

Link: Whatever. 

Ingo: (thinking) …Hey, how 'bout a race, kid? Fifty rupees to the winner! 

Link: Sweet! 

Ingo: …But I pick the horses! I get this incredible horse here, you can have Epona over there; she's never been tamed… ehehehe… 

Link: We'll see about that. (plays Epona's Song and gets on her without trouble) 

Ingo: (grabs his hair in fury) Waaaaah! Waaaaaaaaaahhh! 

Link: Are you gonna stand there screaming, or are we gonna race?! 

_The race begins. Ingo takes the lead, but he begins to lose when Link starts throwing Deku Nuts and Bombs at him, and cutting the straps on his saddle. Eventually, Link wins._

Ingo: (pulling hair out) Waaaaaaaaah! 

Link: Yay! Fifty rupees to me! 

Ingo: Grrr… fine, we'll race again, and if you win… you can keep… (struggles with himself)… THE HORSE! 

Link: Screw the horse; I want Malon! 

Ingo: That ugly stable-wench? 

Link: (clenches fists, eyes filled with rage) 

Ingo: N-now… w-w-wait a minute… 

Link: (walks over to Ingo) 

Ingo: (takes a cautious step backwards) Stay back! STAY BACK! 

Link: (picks him up) 

Ingo: Waaaahhh! 

Link: (throws him into the chickens) 

_Ingo regains his composure just in time to see that he is in the middle of a gaggle of fierce chickens, each glowing with demonic power. His screams of pain ring out for all of Hyrule to hear. Later…_

Ingo: (bandaged and in crutches) You won again, kid… you can keep the horse… but you can never leave this ranch! Waaaahahaha! (closes the gates) 

Link: Yay! I get to live with Malon! 

Navi: Malon lives in the house behind the gate, Link. 

Link: Nooooo! Ingo, you will die! 

Ingo: Waaahahaha! You can't touch me! 

_Link gets on Epona and begins to ride towards gate. Ingo laughs as he does this; he thinks Link can't get through the gate, but in the middle of his raspy laughter Epona knocks it down and crushes Ingo under it as she rides on top of it._

Link: That was easy enough. (walks into the barn) 

_Inside the barn, a seven-years-older Malon is milking a cow._

Link: (fixes his hair, adjusts his shield and sword, and leans on the wall charmingly) Hey, baby. I'm back. 

Malon: Do I know you? 

Link: (points up at Navi) It's me, sweet thing. Fairy boy. 

Malon: (gets up, holding the pail of water and smiling) …Fa-….Fairy boy??? 

Link: That's right. I'm back to… ehehe… _claim my prize._

Malon: I thought…. I thought you'd…. NEVER COME BACK! (dumps the milk all over Link's head, punches him in the stomach and shoves him down) 

Link: Gah! 

Malon: I waited for you for SEVEN YEARS, and now you come back and expect everything to be the same?! Where were you when Ganondorf took over our ranch, huh? WHERE WERE YOU, YOU SELFLESS JERK?!?! (tackles him) 

Link: Woah, we're supposed to save these things for marriage, Malon! 

Malon: (knees him in the groin) 

Link: Ooof! (weakly) I guess… you agree…(falls over) 

Malon: (gets up and starts kicking him) Get out! 

Link: (sticky, covered with hay and in pain) I'm going, I'm going! (crawls out of the barn) 

_Outside…_

Navi: Hmph. 

Link: What? You mad at me now, too? 

Navi: So where WERE you when they were under Ganondorf's iron fist of evil?! (slaps him) 

Link: Wh-…y-… I was frozen in time! 

Navi: Excuses, excuses. 

Link: Gah… I need some cheering up. 

_In Kakkariko Village…_

Link: (walks into a restaurant) Hello, I'd like the Omelet Party Special, please. Triple portions. 

Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, but we no longer serve omelets. 

Link: _…What?_

Waiter: We now serve only cheeseburgers. 

Link: (his head is down and he is shaking with rage before he falls to his knees and raises his fists to the sky, screaming, "GAAANONDOOORRRRRRRRFFFFF!" loud enough that, for the first time ever, all the chickens in Kakkariko Village fly away, and several of the townsfolk look out their windows to investigate such tortured screams) 

_Outside the restaurant…_

Link: (muching on his cheeseurger) I was gonna let Ganon go ahead and rule Hyrule for a little while longer, maybe do some fishing and try peeking into Malon's bedroom, but this is one offense too many! Not only did he shut down the Kakkariko Omelet House, he also stole my idea of marketing cheeseburgers in Hyrule! Well, that's going too far! Now I'm gonna have to tear him LIMB-FROM-LIMB!! (crushes his cheeseburger in his hand) Noo! I've ruined my cheeseburger! (screaming) **WILL GANON'S EVIL NEVER END?!?!**

People: (staring at him) 

Navi: Maybe we should go back and listen to that person that kept throwing flashy things at us. 

Figure: _Oh, but I am already here._

_The Figure stands in a tree, still as a statue, before he jumps into the air and does several impressive acrobatic flips and twirls. He falls on his butt when he lands._

Figure: Ouch! 

Link and Navi: (laugh) 

Figure: Hey, c'mon! I have important stuff to tell you! 

Link: Ah, alright. What do you want to tell us? 

Figure: (adopts a mysterious and emotionless mannerism) _Releasing the sealed power of the Sages is your only chance to defeat Ganon's evil. However, equipped as you currently are, you can't even enter the first temple. Head to Kakkariko Village!_

Link: We're already in Kakkariko Village. 

Figure: …(stomps around angrily and points at Link) This is all your fault! I was supposed to tell you this back in the Temple of Time, but nooo, you had to keep making fun of me! (eyes tear up) I'm supposed to be silent and mysterious! 

Link: (walks over to the Figure and pats him on the back) There, there. I'm sure you'll make a great Sheikah one day, er… what's your name? 

Figure: Zelda-(catching self)-um-Sheik. 

Link: "Zeldaumsheik"? 

Figure: Nono, just Sheik! …I'm not Zelda. 

Link: I didn't say you were. 

Figure: … 

Link: … 

Figure: …Well, I'm not! 

Link: Fine. Hey, I wonder what happened to her anyway? Did Ganon ever find her? 

Sheik: (becoming more Sheikah-ish) _She is in a safe place._

Link: Hmm. Is she as drop-dead gorgeous as me? 

Sheik: (losing his mysteriousness) Uhhh… I guess…? 

Sweet. Maybe I have a chance with her now that Malon hates me…. hey, why are you blushing? 

Sheik: …Shut up! (jumps high into the air and disappears) 

Link: …That was sure odd. 

Navi: I know, what was his prob--... hey, he left a note. (picks up a piece of paper left on the ground by Sheik) Looks like a map of Hyrule with six dots on it. What do you supposed they mean? 

Link: Let's ask him. (waves at Sheik and yells) Hey, Sheik! What's this map for? 

Sheik: (hiding behind a tree) (gasps, and runs behind a house, peeking out the side every now and then) 

Link: I guess he's trying to be as mysterious as possible. 

Navi: Hey, maybe it's a map of where the sages are. Look, there's one in Kokiri Forest! 

Link: Good ol' Kokiri Forest! Let's go see what's going on there. 

  


**_Even though Link didn't get revenge on Rauru like he said he would, he was able to divert his anger towards Ganon, the real enemy of this story. And the first sage is in Kokiri Forest! What luck! Maybe, if he sees his homeland overrun with monsters, he'll be even more angry and be even MORE determined to destroy Ganon! I love the way these things turn out. Tune into the next episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite to see Link REALLY mad!_**


	14. The end of omelets?

  


**_In the last episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite, Link found the Ocarina of Time and got the Master Sword (with some help from Ganon). But oh no! Ganon found the Triforce and is now the King of Evil! What are we gonna do? Make our hero a jillion times sexier, that's what. Watch Link exact his revenge in scintillating sexiness!_**

  


Link: Grr! I'll get that Rauru if it's the last thing I do! 

Navi: (pretending she wasn't involved) …Grr! Yeah! Let's go beat the stuffing out of him! 

Link: But how? 

Navi: Maybe if you put the Master Sword back in the Pedestal of Time you get to go back to the Chamber of Sages. 

Link: Ahh, good plan, Navi. 

Navi: Well, I try. 

Link: (tries to put the sword back in the pedestal) 

_Suddenly, a bright light flashes throughout the temple._

Link: AAAH! My eyes! Navi, I hate you! 

Navi: (rubbing her eyes) I didn't do it! 

Link: Then who did?! 

_As his vision slowly returns, Link begins to make out a figure standing in front of the Pedestal of Time._

Link: Who…? 

Figure: (mysterious and quiet) _I've been waiting for you._

Link: Well, I've been here for about seven years. You must have been waiting a while. 

Figure: (struck by his this) Well --you know-- waiting for you to return to consciousness. 

Link: But I wasn't unconscious. 

Figure: Okay, fine, I haven't been waiting. I just got here. 

Link: Then why'd you tell me you were waiting? 

Figure: Look at my eyes! And these clothes! These aren't some normal, everyday clothes! Heck, my pants are so tight I can barely walk! I'm a SHEIKAH! 

Link: So? 

Figure: We're supposed to be silent, mystifying and well-balanced warrior servants of Hyrule! We can't just show up and be all, "Yeah, hi, what'd I miss?" 

Link: Then I guess you aren't a very good Sheikah. 

Figure: (eyes tear up, and throws a charge down on the ground, which explodes in a bright light) 

Link: Um… you're still here. 

Figure: (looks around)… Shut up! (runs out of the temple, but trips and falls on his way out) 

Link and Navi: (laugh) 

_Later, in Hyrule Field…_

Link: Well, except for all the dark clouds and the broken bridge and Redeads and the fact that Hyrule Castle Town is utterly destroyed and deserted, Hyrule doesn't seem THAT different. 

Navi: I still think you should try to find these sage things. 

Link: Look, even the Stalchildren are gone! I can actually SLEEP now instead of fighting all night! 

Navi: Well, what are we going to do, Link? It's been seven years; we know almost nothing about this place! 

Link: Let's go see if Malon got as hot as I did. 

Navi: (rolls eyes) That's stupid. 

Link: Well, you're bound to my side, aren't you? You have to follow me! Ha! 

Navi: (mutters curses to herself and follows him) 

_At Lon-Lon Ranch…_

Link: Look, this place still looks the same! I think Rauru was just tricking us again. 

Navi: Yeah, maybe, except all the horses are now caged in that little fenced area. 

Link: …Oh yeah. Hey, look, it's my horse! 

Navi: You don't HAVE a horse. 

Link: Yes I do! Malon said she'd give that red one to me! 

Navi: She said it _liked you_, she never said you could HAVE it! 

Link: Yes she did. (hops the fence) 

Navi: Link! Wait! 

Link: (gets on Epona) Haha! See, Navi? It **obeys** its master! 

Epona: (bucks him off) 

Link: Aaauugghhh! (lands right at the feet of someone) 

_Link looks up, and finds himself at the feet of the stableman Ingo from seven years ago, only he is dressed in high-class clothes. He's still an ugly git._

Ingo: Waaaaah! I am the hard-working Ingo! I run this ranch! 

Link: I thought Talon and Malon ran this ranch. 

Ingo: WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?! I DIDN'T STEAL THE RANCH FROM THEM! YOU CAN'T PROVE IT! NOBODY SAW ME! 

Link: … 

Ingo: I didn't steal it! You believe me, don't you?! Don't go telling people I stole it! I just work HARDER than Talon, who was a lazy bum! 

Link: The horses seemed a lot happier when HE ran the ranch. 

Ingo: You better watch your mouth, kid! I am a friend of the Great Ganondorf! 

Link: Whatever. 

Ingo: (thinking) …Hey, how 'bout a race, kid? Fifty rupees to the winner! 

Link: Sweet! 

Ingo: …But I pick the horses! I get this incredible horse here, you can have Epona over there; she's never been tamed… ehehehe… 

Link: We'll see about that. (plays Epona's Song and gets on her without trouble) 

Ingo: (grabs his hair in fury) Waaaaah! Waaaaaaaaaahhh! 

Link: Are you gonna stand there screaming, or are we gonna race?! 

_The race begins. Ingo takes the lead, but he begins to lose when Link starts throwing Deku Nuts and Bombs at him, and cutting the straps on his saddle. Eventually, Link wins._

Ingo: (pulling hair out) Waaaaaaaaah! 

Link: Yay! Fifty rupees to me! 

Ingo: Grrr… fine, we'll race again, and if you win… you can keep… (struggles with himself)… THE HORSE! 

Link: Screw the horse; I want Malon! 

Ingo: That ugly stable-wench? 

Link: (clenches fists, eyes filled with rage) 

Ingo: N-now… w-w-wait a minute… 

Link: (walks over to Ingo) 

Ingo: (takes a cautious step backwards) Stay back! STAY BACK! 

Link: (picks him up) 

Ingo: Waaaahhh! 

Link: (throws him into the chickens) 

_Ingo regains his composure just in time to see that he is in the middle of a gaggle of fierce chickens, each glowing with demonic power. His screams of pain ring out for all of Hyrule to hear. Later…_

Ingo: (bandaged and in crutches) You won again, kid… you can keep the horse… but you can never leave this ranch! Waaaahahaha! (closes the gates) 

Link: Yay! I get to live with Malon! 

Navi: Malon lives in the house behind the gate, Link. 

Link: Nooooo! Ingo, you will die! 

Ingo: Waaahahaha! You can't touch me! 

_Link gets on Epona and begins to ride towards gate. Ingo laughs as he does this; he thinks Link can't get through the gate, but in the middle of his raspy laughter Epona knocks it down and crushes Ingo under it as she rides on top of it._

Link: That was easy enough. (walks into the barn) 

_Inside the barn, a seven-years-older Malon is milking a cow._

Link: (fixes his hair, adjusts his shield and sword, and leans on the wall charmingly) Hey, baby. I'm back. 

Malon: Do I know you? 

Link: (points up at Navi) It's me, sweet thing. Fairy boy. 

Malon: (gets up, holding the pail of water and smiling) …Fa-….Fairy boy??? 

Link: That's right. I'm back to… ehehe… _claim my prize._

Malon: I thought…. I thought you'd…. NEVER COME BACK! (dumps the milk all over Link's head, punches him in the stomach and shoves him down) 

Link: Gah! 

Malon: I waited for you for SEVEN YEARS, and now you come back and expect everything to be the same?! Where were you when Ganondorf took over our ranch, huh? WHERE WERE YOU, YOU SELFLESS JERK?!?! (tackles him) 

Link: Woah, we're supposed to save these things for marriage, Malon! 

Malon: (knees him in the groin) 

Link: Ooof! (weakly) I guess… you agree…(falls over) 

Malon: (gets up and starts kicking him) Get out! 

Link: (sticky, covered with hay and in pain) I'm going, I'm going! (crawls out of the barn) 

_Outside…_

Navi: Hmph. 

Link: What? You mad at me now, too? 

Navi: So where WERE you when they were under Ganondorf's iron fist of evil?! (slaps him) 

Link: Wh-…y-… I was frozen in time! 

Navi: Excuses, excuses. 

Link: Gah… I need some cheering up. 

_In Kakkariko Village…_

Link: (walks into a restaurant) Hello, I'd like the Omelet Party Special, please. Triple portions. 

Waiter: I'm sorry, sir, but we no longer serve omelets. 

Link: _…What?_

Waiter: We now serve only cheeseburgers. 

Link: (his head is down and he is shaking with rage before he falls to his knees and raises his fists to the sky, screaming, "GAAANONDOOORRRRRRRRFFFFF!" loud enough that, for the first time ever, all the chickens in Kakkariko Village fly away, and several of the townsfolk look out their windows to investigate such tortured screams) 

_Outside the restaurant…_

Link: (muching on his cheeseurger) I was gonna let Ganon go ahead and rule Hyrule for a little while longer, maybe do some fishing and try peeking into Malon's bedroom, but this is one offense too many! Not only did he shut down the Kakkariko Omelet House, he also stole my idea of marketing cheeseburgers in Hyrule! Well, that's going too far! Now I'm gonna have to tear him LIMB-FROM-LIMB!! (crushes his cheeseburger in his hand) Noo! I've ruined my cheeseburger! (screaming) **WILL GANON'S EVIL NEVER END?!?!**

People: (staring at him) 

Navi: Maybe we should go back and listen to that person that kept throwing flashy things at us. 

Figure: _Oh, but I am already here._

_The Figure stands in a tree, still as a statue, before he jumps into the air and does several impressive acrobatic flips and twirls. He falls on his butt when he lands._

Figure: Ouch! 

Link and Navi: (laugh) 

Figure: Hey, c'mon! I have important stuff to tell you! 

Link: Ah, alright. What do you want to tell us? 

Figure: (adopts a mysterious and emotionless mannerism) _Releasing the sealed power of the Sages is your only chance to defeat Ganon's evil. However, equipped as you currently are, you can't even enter the first temple. Head to Kakkariko Village!_

Link: We're already in Kakkariko Village. 

Figure: …(stomps around angrily and points at Link) This is all your fault! I was supposed to tell you this back in the Temple of Time, but nooo, you had to keep making fun of me! (eyes tear up) I'm supposed to be silent and mysterious! 

Link: (walks over to the Figure and pats him on the back) There, there. I'm sure you'll make a great Sheikah one day, er… what's your name? 

Figure: Zelda-(catching self)-um-Sheik. 

Link: "Zeldaumsheik"? 

Figure: Nono, just Sheik! …I'm not Zelda. 

Link: I didn't say you were. 

Figure: … 

Link: … 

Figure: …Well, I'm not! 

Link: Fine. Hey, I wonder what happened to her anyway? Did Ganon ever find her? 

Sheik: (becoming more Sheikah-ish) _She is in a safe place._

Link: Hmm. Is she as drop-dead gorgeous as me? 

Sheik: (losing his mysteriousness) Uhhh… I guess…? 

Sweet. Maybe I have a chance with her now that Malon hates me…. hey, why are you blushing? 

Sheik: …Shut up! (jumps high into the air and disappears) 

Link: …That was sure odd. 

Navi: I know, what was his prob--... hey, he left a note. (picks up a piece of paper left on the ground by Sheik) Looks like a map of Hyrule with six dots on it. What do you supposed they mean? 

Link: Let's ask him. (waves at Sheik and yells) Hey, Sheik! What's this map for? 

Sheik: (hiding behind a tree) (gasps, and runs behind a house, peeking out the side every now and then) 

Link: I guess he's trying to be as mysterious as possible. 

Navi: Hey, maybe it's a map of where the sages are. Look, there's one in Kokiri Forest! 

Link: Good ol' Kokiri Forest! Let's go see what's going on there. 

  


**_Even though Link didn't get revenge on Rauru like he said he would, he was able to divert his anger towards Ganon, the real enemy of this story. And the first sage is in Kokiri Forest! What luck! Maybe, if he sees his homeland overrun with monsters, he'll be even more angry and be even MORE determined to destroy Ganon! I love the way these things turn out. Tune into the next episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite to see Link REALLY mad!_**


End file.
